Thursday, October 26

it's my party and i'll cry if i want to

There is only one day I hate more than New Year’s, it’s birthdays. I can’t think of a more self absorbed day where the onus to make a year worthwhile is entirely your responsibility. At least New Year’s is everybody’s problem.

When I was young(er) I thought that by thirty, I would:
BemarriedHavechildrenBesecureBesureofmyselfHavewrittenabookBeabletolove
supportacceptwithoutcritiscismwithouthesitationwithjudgementBeconfidentinmy
skinbebeautifulWithoutfaultWithoutflawWithoutpersonalityqiurksoratleastwith
confidenceenoughtocarrymyhugeegothroughtosomeshoreofcompletionHavecreated
somethingworthwhilemeaningfuleternalHavedealtwiththatcrazedmonkeyonmyback…

I had a dream once, where a feminine alien creature had a message for me:
You have the taste of Death on your lips, she said
and I floated off in the image of Captain Janeway.
But the fact is, that the act of my Living Life has always been coloured around the edges with a darker shade of dying. It’s perhaps why I found this particular birthday so particularly heavy. In my heart of hearts I never thought I would outlive my mother. And here I am outliving her, non the wiser or more expansive of presence.

Smallmindedness seems to run in the bloodline no matter where it’s cut.

I received an pink frilly card yesterday – the kind reserved for greetings sent from grannies to their unappreciative twelve year old grandchildren. Except it said ‘30’.

So, in recognition of the year past I decided to list some of the bigger things I learnt and am still trying to learn ------------------------------------

There are people you have to say goodbye to.
There are people that will have to say goodbye to you.

Things change - it is my next most dreaded fear next to death - i still respond to it like a child.
We are all essentially alone.

I will probably never shake the infantile need to connect totally to someone.
I will probably never shake the pointless desire to disconnect totally from life.
I am learning to be ok with so many things that I thought wouldn't be able to process.
If things do change - can I be certain that I will?
Theory means nothing.
I think one of the biggest paradoxes in my life is that i love life and abhor it in equal measure.
My hiccups are only cured by drinking water upside-down.

and the biggie is that, sometimes, shit just needs time.

11 comments:

Adam said...

Your first two lessons is my 'most dreaded fear' in life. I love people. I am currently struggling with the whole concept of never meeting any of my blog-buddies. It depresses me. I want to meet people. I want to know people.

I need people.

dorothy said...

meeting people is the easiest thing in the world in my opinion. i have a problem with the needing them - which i do.

Lily said...

The people we think we need are the people we think will be perfect fits for the holes in our lives. The problem is, the holes keep changing shape and up close, tpwtwn have unexpected edges and angles. You can try to ignore the mismatch but sooner or later you're going to have to compromise with a bad fit or move on.

joser said...

I'm 28 and never in my life, have I connected to someone in the true sense. Even when I thought I did, it was only a facade. At times, I feel like I'm in my own world looking out, with the rest of the world having the time of their lives. Sure, it's not true, but after sitting by myself for so many years, it seems like life is passing me by and I'm not getting any younger. I need to change in order to change my environment.

marita says said...

hmmmm... but it keeps on being fun nonetheless. and you really looked lovely yesterday

dorothy said...

lily - did you ever see that 'kiddie's book' The Missing Piece . google it - it's all about a circle in search for it's missing piece only to find that nothing fits perfectly. it's only once the circle makes itself whole that it finds a mate.

joser - totally agree with the environment thing. also, i met someone i totally connected with and that still fucked up. so i'm figuring my perception on people is a little messed up.

maeree said...

ek hou van die laaste een: shit just needs time.
persoonlik sien ek uit na 40. ek ken soveel uitgesorteerde mense in hul 40's - mense wat weet wie hulle is en okay is daarmee, wat ook okay is daarmee dat ander mense is wie hulle is. dís waarheen ek oppad is.

dorothy said...

maeree that's a HUGE one - do you know that it only occurred to me this year that people are just the way they are - and just because it's not like me doesn't make it wrong/bad/wierd/unnatural - such a simple concept and yet so so big.

dorothy said...

actually let me just add - it also doesn't make them better or more valuable

chitty said...

Your life is who you are, and it is a story told as you go.
I don't mind getting older. What I do mind is that feeling that I am not getting any wiser ( I was told that wisdom comes with old age) and that parts of my body expands in places I never thought possible.

arcadia said...

this is such a profound post, dorothy.