Friday, March 27

peaceably angry people

what an upset about the dalai lama. gosh. and now people are turning on clever trevor because he supports the decision to refuse the round-faced icon of happiness a visa into SA for the peace conference.

of course the government's saying china has nothing to do with the decision which we know is rubbish and it's kind of ironic that their cries of 'it will overshadow the world cup' has done nothing more than to add to column space and centimeters in the dailies for the peacable reincarnate.

and i'm pleased there's protest and outrage at this travesty of social injustice.

while we barely have enough energy to shout as loudly about the human rights violations in our own backyards, at least we're all for the freedom of tibet and any political standpoint of a celebrity spiritual leader.


it should be remembered that the whole issue isn't about peace or fighting for it or wanting it or denying it at all.

it's simply economics.

china is a bully and smaller countries are the weak fat kid on the playground. you might not like the fact that the government has said no to the dalai lama, but i'm sure you're ok with being economically supported by the red dragon.

so rather than bleat about the horror, the horror, follow the link to these much more interesting sheep... ooo the preeeetiiieeee liiiiiitess

Thursday, March 26


so smartdate was a joke. a nasty burger with bad onions. and ridiculous as it may sound i did expect more than that. i expected a drink on the side. maybe some fries. at least SOME fodder for the next column.

so i emailed the evasive ms jenny (owner, i think...the person that signs the group emails with a happy exclamation mark after each happy email) this morning at 09:33 explaining to her our unfortunate experience.

it is 15:00 and still no response. no apology. no acknowledgment of email. no talk of refund. and, might i add again, no apology.

so in lieu of that. herewith my letter to ms jenny so that you may know the horror and NEVER make the same mistake.

Dear Jenny

I've been told this is your direct email and I certainly hope it is. Three of my friends and I attended a smartdate event last night. It was not a pleasant experience.

1. We paid R150 each for a night of meeting 'at least five men' of between 27 to 39. What we got was four men, two of which were 25.

2. When we arrived, the two facilitators neither introduced themselves or made any effort to make us feel welcome or at ease, simply telling us to got to the bar and order a drink and mingle. I do that on any given saturday without paying R150. When we mentioned that we were uncomfortable with the setting and a bit shy, we were told quite gruffly that 'no-one will be looking at you anyway' and that we couldn't sit next to each other.

3. 8 pm had come and gone, and people were milling around at the bar, two people sat by themselves at a table and another small group of three women and two men had already started chatting (again, can do this at a bar) when it became clear that no more men were going to show up. The facilitators didn't say anything until we started looking around aimlessly wondering when everything was going to start. Only then did they decide to rustle something up as a plausible 'speed date event'.

4. The session itself went as best it could but it was left dangling as there was no clear indication of when it came to an end. There was some mix up with the numbers and while two women had their final sessions, the two facilitators moved in and started chatting to the men instead of sending them to where we were all sitting. The older lady literally sat for 40 minutes chatting to one of the gentlemen and the younger lady never came back to talk to us.

5. After finishing our drinks and chatting to each other (women on one end of the restaurant and men on the other, being chatted to by the facilitators who were making no effort whatsoever to make us feel comfortable or integrate the two groups or basically rescue a very bad evening) it started becoming clear that the the evening was over.

6. The older facilitator eventually managed to tear herself away from the gentlemen and tell three of the women that the evening was over and that they could go home. Before she left, however, she made it clear by speaking in a very loud voice to a gentleman that worked in the restaurant that she was displeased with us because we weren't mingling.

7. Before she walked out she let us know that we could keep the pens.

This was truly a bizarre evening. Apart from the fact that the only drinks we were 'allowed' for our R150 was an apple schnapps (something I last drank when I was 16) and a sherry (something I never drink) I would have expected much more from my evening and money than an open-plan, badly organised, badly facilitated event.

Another point is that this event was moved three times (and the first time at the last minute) and when my one friend asked if she could get back to the organisers (after changing her schedule around to accommodate smartdate's bad planning) she was informed that the company would require 24 hr notice.

Fortunately, we were assured that we would be able to attend another meeting.

I look forward to your response.

Tuesday, March 24


well. not mine. i quite like my life. but chris roper pointed out this site as being funny. and he's right. and although i always thought laughing at these people would accrue bad karma and give me herpes, i just can't help it.

for these people i recommend a dose of alain de botton's consolations of philosophy. he is a fabulous writer i found at a little bookshop called eslite in hsinchu, taiwan (although the pic in the wiki entry is actually Page One in Taipei).

which was just as well, because at the time i was really rather miserable.

hsinchu was never a very pretty place for me.

oh how awful the relentless grey

now i've lost the book. lent it to someone i think or it's sitting with an ex. which is fine since i now live here:

oh how marvellous the beautiful life

it's an oldie but a goodie my plums - no matter how kak you think things are there's always someone having a kakker time.

over and out.

Monday, March 23


dudes. i'm not shitting you. get. this. album.

grace jones kicks ass. i love her.

Thursday, March 19

speed dating and backronyms

so yes, my plums, i was going to go speed dating tonight. but it was cancelled. I am not amused. though, it will be closer to my next deadline so it'll be fresher in my mind.

in other news, did you know that you get a backronym?

backronym: n a reverse acronym, a phrase constructed after the fact to make an existing word or words
into an acronym.

like nellie's bible backronym (this chick is turning out to be a lot kiffer than i gave her credit for)

so here's my backcronym for the day:

speed dating
single people entertaining examination during dinner and toasts in naf gross (places)*

* i took a little artistic license - backronym creating is a LOT harder than you think

Wednesday, March 18

the lash of the whip


So i write this column about sermonising religious folk and how they might consider leaving the big G out of sex and that i am of the opine that religiosity tends to twist this very natural act and...well...i get funnies like this: have so many men that you cannot even remember them? To be like an animal...baboons, especially...they do it whenever, wherever they want moral guide whatsoever... that's you! are to blame for the filth that you gathered through your life...I wonder if you have a daughter and if you have, what do you teach her....come on baby...get old enough so that you can open your legs for anything that has a penis...shame...I really feel for you. It is people like you that is a disgrace to humanity. - Sanette*

shoo guys. sanette sure has amazing powers of does she do it?

three words.

pro. jec. tion.

oh and another fave:

Funny how people have such strong opinions about sex and God and everything else in this world!! Yet most people still don't truly know a single thing about either. I pray for a true AWAKENING TO ALMIGHTY GOD the Creator of the heavens and the earth, for all you people out there Atheists, Muslims etc. If you knew TRUTH, none of you would make such statements! You who say what does sex have to do with God? He is the one who created it!! It has everything to do with God read the BIBLE which means (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth) It talks about everything from sex to true love and forgiveness for all and salvation for all nations! Unfortunatley mankind always thinks he knows more and therefore what we sow we will definately reap!!! JESUS CHRIST IS KING!! I pray for myself as well as all the lost that you may truly have an awakening to God our Father, Jesus our Saviour and Holy Spirit our Teacher and Comforter! - Nelly

*edited for brevity.

i shouldn't be poking fun.

it might be a little known fact but i was brought up in a very Christian household, so i am fully aware of how seriously people take this shit... but yikes....WHOA NELLY!

over and out my plums

What's God got to do with it?

Dorothy Black is perplexed by the religious and moralising folk who condemn premarital sex, homosexuality, transgenderism and so on...

One of the not-so-great aspects of writing a column about sex is the slew of comments from the religious and moralising who are quick to call me a whore and/or damn my eternal soul to hell.

The assumption is that, as I write openly about sex, I am naturally a morally bankrupt person 'unable to keep my legs together', spreading the word of sin and disease across the country.

What an odd conclusion to draw.

read on...

the devil made me do it

I don't think I'm thrilled with this one. Just not sure i said what i need to say. fuck. i hate when i have that feeling after a column. bloody bloody

Tuesday, March 17

Genesis 3:22

What's amiss with this text?

And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever...

The 'us' bit struck me as odd a while back. Just happened to read it last night again while I was busy with the new column. Here are a few answers. I just think 'they' forgot to edit the whole Mount Olympus mentality from Zeus God.

Monday, March 16

postsecret pic of the week

i find this postcard deeply disturbing. there's a rollover but i can't get it to work here, so go to postsecret to check it out, and then here to see what people are saying about it...

actually, i'm not sure about the 'being able to comment on it' bit. the last time postsecret included a comments list it was quickly populated by judgemental rants at the people whose secrets were deemed too unsavoury, quite defeating the point of being able to air your dirty laundry without stone throwing from the moralising masses.

Saturday, March 14

Lark, the herald angel sings (again)

Dear Inge

I love you again. The band was on time, you smiled, you were lovely to your adoring villagers, you rocked the house.

I think you are as wonderful as i first thought you were.

Let's just forget the nastiness of past snarkiness and move on, shall we?

And let's hope that, like Jack Bauer, this isn't the last time we'll hear from you and the clever boys.

Thursday, March 12

Lark, the herald bitchbird sings

Dear Inge

I am very excited to be going to a Lark gig at the assembly tomorrow night. It pleases me greatly. I heard you (and by 'you' i really mean 'the band', after all, Lark is in fact mostly those very clever boys that support your vocal talent) were lovely at Ramfest.

I'm not sure if you remember my love letter to you a while ago. I oooed and aaahed about how fabulous i thought you were and how fantastically blessed we were to have such talent in SA.

It seems, you thought the same. Cos every time i've seen you on stage since then you're really quite a narly little prima donna - naf with the audience, unreasonably late (as if we truly have nothing better to do than wait to hear you sing) ... it is upsetting to me. Especially since I thought you were a lovely person. And then I read this - and that was ages ago... have you always been this way my little oiseau de chanson?

mostly i find the overall sense of self-importance odd since the solo stuff i heard of yours was well ... interesting ... polar bears? not so much.

anyway, my little nightingale/larkbird person - despite small flutterings of reservations i remain thrilled about tomorrow night and the show it promises.

please arrive on time like a person with manners and be nice to the people that are paying to see you and making you quasi-famous in the village.

your somewhat still adoring fan,

love her as much as she does, trite village person, or she'll peck your eyes out

Tuesday, March 10


on a wall at uct's medical hospital. it's probably a joke though it shouldn't be. i'd like to see one that says 'cape stop at red traffic lights club - promoting life-saving tactics amongst dumb fucks lower-IQ drivers'.

Monday, March 9

(Twit) er?

in another wtf moment, i logged onto twitter to find out what all the fuss is about.

i thought blogging was bad, but then realised i enjoy writing about shit whether people pay attention or not.

then i thought facebake was taking it a step too far until i realised that i like logging in once a day to look at my friends' pics and their status updates that are like little screenshots of their lives.

and then that was enough you know.

but now there's twitter. and, well, i just don't know so much.

i mean, how much more do you need? do you really need to know every contact you've ever made's every move?

between email, blogging, facebook, TV, ipods, radio, cellphones and taking a dump is there no personal space that we don't want the world to know about and validate in some way.

this microvoyeurising of our lives is getting pathological.

Thursday, March 5

so long suckas

fun in the sun

taking the day off tomorrow to work on my pitch and lie in the sun on this lovely beach. hurrah for summer.

Wednesday, March 4


shit ya'll, there're actually some cool sa programmes on telly. don't watch it much other than for movies and the such, but yesterday, whilst snacking on some beetroot and flipping through all four channels, i happened upon Hopeville.

what a fabulous little gem. lovely story, great script, fab characterisation, brilliant photography, wonderful actors - i'm running out of adjectives - well done little wonderful people you...

and then, as if that wasn't enough... The Lab (get a site guys)...

although not quite as kiff as Hopeville and a little too slick and slow, i quite enjoyed it really.

mostly i liked the fact that both portray normal people.

the last time i watched SA programmes it had the same old rich white/poor black, arsehole whitey/criminal tsotsi, apartheid yadda yadda story...

hurrah for clever people

Tuesday, March 3

Oral traditions

Yarp. so the new one's up. the trampoline boy column got a crazy amount of hits and an equal amount of crazy comments.

people can be so stupid.

doubt oral traditions will make it to news24 though, being all risky and such. (although blow jobs are deemed newsworthy, pleasuring the vagina orally still seems to be in the realm of talking animals and spacemen - quaint to joke about but nothing to be taken seriously...)

anyway. here it is...

Dorothy Black wonders if men shouldn't start paying more attention to their techniques when it comes to cunnilingus...

The ancient Egyptians believed that the fountain of eternal youth was to be found in between the legs of a woman. The story goes, apparently, that a man could live forever if he enjoyed a woman's sexual fluids at least once day.

I told Miss America this snappy little piece of info over breakfast the other day.

"They'd better have known what they were doing," she snorted. "I can't abide by a man that doesn't have a clue what's going on down there even once – let alone abide it every day."

It's a harsh truth that got me wondering about the pains and the pleasures of the oral tradition.


Dear Jake

I love you.

you are my true sunshine jake

There. I said it. It's not like its an obsession or anything I just like to see your face. It makes me giggle like a japanese girl on laughing gas. i just thought it would be good to tell you that my silly infatuation with daniel is long over. i think that it would be good if you told reese about us (did you like my witherspoon joke?) and stopped pretending to be gay. i know you want me. there's no need to be dark about it (get it? that is funny don't you think? see? i can be funny also. i love you.) ... please call me. i love you. (ps, if you're not so keen, i'm ok with maggie also. she's quite lovely...)

Monday, March 2

postsecret pic of the week

happy monday morning my chickens
i trust you had a splendid weekend. mine was blah.
for those of you that haven't been to postsecret - go now.

i like this because for some reason it reminded me of a quote from a book i'm reading called leaving my father's house. it was a quote from jung: 'When an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside (of us) as fate.'

i don't know why it reminded me of that.

guess i better figure it out before i get hit by a bus or something...