My grandfather was a stodgy old Welsh man. Short and thick-set, his views on the world were as stubborn to change as his body was. He died at the grand age of 96 surrounded by a world that was vastly different to the quiet village of Pontyprith he had grown up in.
And yet, as different as our worlds were, it was my grandfather who, many years ago during a conversation about a boy I had met, gave me one of the most important tenets of sexual exploration that any adult ever had.
"Dot my girl," he said as he gingerly dunked his biscuit into his afternoon tea, "just remember: If it's not on, it's not in." read on...
you know, that whole thing with getting the full monty of tests before so much as even checking if you want the package anyway is hardCORE.
i don't know one person who walks around with an updated printout of their status. and i'm not just talking status about the big A. i'm talking the WHOLE list of STDs.
you know, this isn't really something i could say in the column because there is something to be said for being at least a little responsible about safe sex and what some morons will read in to what you say BUT it has to be said...
STD tests aren't exactly fail-safe. you could meet Mr Man tomorrow, go for a test that comes out daisies, jump into bed with him only to find that the HIV/Aids he contracted last week only shows up in three month's time. Or herpes for that matter. Other STDs are quicker on the uptake, but still.
How can you be certain that tests your possible paramour says he/she has taken are updated frequently and honestly. (I had this test done last week [but have slept with two people since then! Hurrah!])
And while condoms are fine, they break and don't prevent shit like genital warts.
i didn't like writing this column. it made me uncomfortable. but i think that was the point. a lot of the people commenting now are of the kind that go for quarterly blood tests and don't touch a human without full blood works to prove they've fit to fuck.
i know that might be the right way. but i'm not sure i could be as fastidious.
I've been for all my tests, like, last year or something and it was all good. And i don't sleep around or have sex without a condom. but is that enough?
every time i think it is, i remember that scene from kids where ruby (rosario dawson) is going in to get her HIV/Aids test results with her friend jennie (Chloë Sevigny). Jennie is a complete slapper, fucking everything that moves – and without protection. ruby is the good girl. she's slept with one boy and, i can't remember if the condom broke or they didn't use one, but when the tests come back, who do you think has HIV/Aids? dear ruby.
moral of the story? it only has to happen once.
(urgh those images of the warts actually makes me feel like i might never have sex again.)