Monday, December 7

real love is a zombie

this zombie's coming back for you, bitch

shock! horror! plums! THEY are making a remake of the crow.

boo!

in our ADD culture it seems 15 years is too long for a cult movie to quietly enjoy its status as such.

you'd think the producers would've given it a rest after a string of lame and failed retakes, the last of which was a mere four years ago. let's quickly review these gems:

1994 - the crow. the original
1996 - the crow: city of losers angels
2000 - the crow: salvation (yeah, it wished for it)
2005 - the crow: wicked prayer (in which the crow begins to look like chucky)

if there was ever a time to cash in on the dark, brooding hormonal teen thing that's going on with tweelight, true crap and new goon, it's now.

except the crow is, like, way edgier – it's dark, deep, dangerous love WITH A ZOMBIE!! and really, eric draven is like the only shagable zombie in the multiverse.

besides. fuck vampires. they're so last month. these producers are looking ahead. they're forward-thinking sonsabitches ... they're looking ahead to where the next (teen)scream is going to aim its megadecibles at.
i just love rob pattinson so fuckin' much man

you've gotta give them some credit. i just shudder to think who they're going to cast as eric. cos, for really reals now, if those assy retakes taught us anything, it was that THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE ERIC DRAVEN. and that was brandon lee, son of BRUCE LEE for godssakes. AND he died on the set of the movie. you can't get no more street cred than that.

curse of the dragon

as all the emo kids have been used up in the vamp movies/serials i've given it some thought as to who they could cast as The Draven. And these are my edgier than edgy possibilities.

ONE
jaden (will mini-me) smith
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it

a little young, but that seems to be how the market's going these days. besides, jaden is hollywood elite. and he's black. so that's edgy. and he'll totally corner the prepubescent market which is supercool for merch possibilities.

TWO
joe jonas
let me hug you to death

joe jonas (bro number two or something from the jonas brothers). this guy is packing. seriously. i've seen pictures of silver trousers that should not be printed in tweenie mags. he's bound to look good in leather. anyway. he would give the whole thing a 'good christian boy gone bad' twist. a sweet lover driven mad by revenge. it will be psychological; it will be a journey to the dark side; he'll lose his promise ring somewhere ... it will be the loss of his soul and its redemption through murder for love. or something. i think we could cast arnie as satan at the end. this is definitely a gooder.

THREE
daniel radcliffe
by the power of greyskull!

boy is DARK. he's DARKER THAN DARK. he's practically donnie for crying out loud. all those years as harry have taught dancliffe a thing or four about being broody and thinky and fightful against the powers of evil. and he got naked for equus which was cool cos they could totally put a peen shot in the poster now and get away with it. what the last crow lacked was sex. dancliffe will bring it.

FOUR
Tyra (I will bitchslap you with my eyes) Banks

seriously, my fave contender. seriously. she could be all nouvea-feminista Crow girl, scuttling all over the building rooftops in her prada heels and killing the evil ones by jabbing them in the eye with a nail or just staring really hard at them. and maybe every now and then she can strike a pose and fill the audience with a sense of awe and wonder and maybe just make them pee their pants a little bit. that's theatre folks. ty-ty would TOTALLY rock it.

anyway. that's me for monday plums. over and OUT.

6 comments:

Sparky said...

this is an appalling idea.
brandon lees performance really made the film pop, but it was alex proyas' direction (dark city, i,robot) that made the first crow the cult classic it is today. and he's unlikely to want to tempt fate by making another one of these.

the current hollywood fascination with the undead borders on necrophilia, in my opinion.

Being Brazen said...

hahahaha....

Kevin Musgrove said...

But surely, in a recession they'll be turning it into a more upbeat feelgood movie? Perhaps the whole cast of High School The Musical ould be channeling the Crow's spirit and manifesting it in song and rocky road ice cream?

Sparky said...

and celebrating his angst, through the majesty of interpretive dance.

dorothy said...

LOL

nursemyra said...

But I love True Blood...... :-(