Friday, April 17

baai

plums. it's time for a road trip. catch you later.

Wednesday, April 15

do you porn?

Dorothy Black goes on a little journey into the blue...

One dark and stormy night many years ago, I awoke to find my long-term partner missing from my bed. Wrapping the blankets tightly around me, I quietly crept through the apartment to find what had become of him. The pale light of a computer screen glowed from the dark study.

Ah, I sighed, warm with love, there’s my man toiling into the wee hours of the morning. What a guy. I tiptoed in to surprise him with a touch of late night nookie, to find that the only work he was getting done was on himself in front of Jenna Jameson’s pixilated bottom.

Mr Man was sneaking a little snack of midnight porn while I was sleeping, blissfully unaware of his appetite for blue movies.

How rude, I thought, why wasn't I invited? read more...



image: plannersweb.com

Monday, April 13

postsecret pic of the week

came across susie bright today while i was working on some background for the new column and read this piece of hers.

But what's so interesting about Viagra is the number of pills being popped for performance enhancement, not erectile dysfunction. Viagra in this case is used like a one-night insurance policy, a facsimile of a porn-star experience. These users aim for sexual performance the way they NEVER had it. These aren't men looking for dreams of youth, they're YOUTH who've discovered sex, in the prime of their lives, to be disappointing and even humiliating, because their penis didn’t “behave” the way they believe it’s supposed to, or because the pleasure it afforded them seemed less than the hype.

apart from the fact that i love the way she writes, she's the kind of lesbian that i wish i could be a straight girl like

Wednesday, April 8

madge v jolie

i don't understand the baby wars ensuing around her madgesty's modest request for another little baby. i mean good god. jolie's adopted, like, twenty of things from around the world (and popping them out like a queen bee on steriods) for her plans of global domination, so why can't madgey adopt just two for good publicity. i mean, srsly.

Good mom
(with maid and children)


Bad mom (strung out and with only ONE baby. loser.)


But then I figured it out it. Someone, somewhere is on to madge and they're trying to stop her from pursuing her evil plans: farming the fresh body tissue stem cell thingies of her young adoptees for its regenerative qualities! i mean, the chicken needs it:


madge has probably cottoned onto what all that baby shit can do for you:

i mean, for crying out loud, jolie's wearing a burka with no makeup and she still looks good.

so, madge, you got my vote. go grab those little folk - as many as you can - before your skin falls off. go now, go QUICK... i'll meet you malawi...

Monday, April 6

postsecret pics of the week

postsecret delivers just the weirdest people sometimes. two people sent in admonishing postcards about their grannies:

i admit i might be weirded out if i saw my grandmother pleasuring herself but that's only because she's 96 and a real battle-ax for whom i am positive the only concept of self-pleasure is entirely embodied in sparkles.

fruity. very fruity.

but disgusted to the point of making me feel ill? what's wrong with this close-minded twit? when was sexuality cordoned off as Youth Only?

but this biscuit isn't alone.

attitudes towards 'overage' sex isn't actually something i gave much thought to until i read this article a while back where the writer had this take on it:

Movie legend Jane Fonda made headlines earlier this year. The Hollywood star issued a major boast to people entering the third stage of their life – apparently, the sex is better than ever!

The 70-year-old actress plans to document her own sexploits post-60 in an upcoming book titled The Third Act: Entering Primetime, which sings sexual praise about the intimacy of supposed mature couples.

This revelation stirred a few horrid visuals, but mostly, it evoked an expression of disbelief.

Really.

Call me 'closeted' and naïve, but I already struggle to believe that my 40-something mother is still up 'n at 'em. How do I swallow the fact that pensioners too are acting all randy when the lights go out? Urrgh!

wow.

it's narrow minded folk like this that lead granny to take to drink and smokes when she hits, like, 51.

and then, its seems, even that's frowned upon.


fuck. if i'm lucky enough to make to grannyhood with my sanity intact i reckon i'd be ok with a little daily orgasm followed by a jack on the rocks in leiu of knitting booties and baking cookies.

Thursday, April 2

will the real dorothy black please stand up

sweet. i love reader comments. especially when they try to google 'dorothy black' to put a face to the whorish minx who insists on selling her soul to the devil. this was one from the lastest column:

Google Dorothy Black. The results set the tone for a totally different approach in my response. No wonder you think relationships are overrated, but seriously, it takes two to tango and that makes all the difference. Just keep your dancing shoes on. Good luck! Arno

Thanks for that Arno. you found me. outted me. oh the shame. google be damned. but let's be serious.

Now, there are only two really famous dorothy blacks (and one very strange little old lady).

Exhibit A
dorothy black (on the right) - hungarian porn star

Exhibit B
dorothy black - painter

Exhibit C
dorothy black - aging marsian


Strange as this might be to accept - i am none of these esteemed ladies. you heard me right arno. i know it sucks. i know you really wanted me to be the aging marsian, but here's the harsh truth of the matter... are you ready? can you handle it? are you sure? here goes....

dorothy
.
black
.
is
.
my
.
pseudonym

now arno. ‘pseudonym’ is a word meaning ‘not my real name to avoid biscuits like yourself reading my work under my ‘real’ name and drawing the same hopelessly ridiculous conclusions about my person because of – and as they do for – my sex column’.

clever no?

kick me

HA! this is funny. the sun was out for, like, five minutes in London and all the brits took the day to protest at the G20 summit. anything for a wee tan no?

bless

Wednesday, April 1

single in the city

What's wrong with having a deep and meaningful ménage à trois for one? Dorothy Black thinks relationships are overrated.

I spent last week Thursday with an amazing group of women. We were fabulous, beautiful, successful, vibrant women of the world, sipping kirs and chatting about our work, our travels, our lives...

It would've been a delightful evening out had it not been for the fact that we were actually supposed to be fully engaged in an evening of speed dating. read more...