Wednesday, July 29

i love JC

i had this idea of making a tshirt that had this on the front:

and then this on the back:

johnny cash

but i'm shy and don't want to risk people drawing conclusions about my person as they walk past me, not turning around to see the back with this lovely god-like person and thus fully appreciating the beauty of the statement. i'd hate to have them think i'm christian.

oh the horror.

nevertheless, he is lovely (johnny cash that is)

relatively speaking i'm a bit of a newbie to jc. when walk the line came out a few years back i went to go watch the movie on a disasterous date (that involved his ex AND the woman he considered 'The One' - what a guy!)... i didn't know the music and i was not impressed with movie, finding it dull and long-winded.

dull

i watched it again the other day and found it just slightly less dull than the first time, but at least i was then fully immersed in the JC experience and loved the music.

i must admit to a slight disappointment at how minor his 'dark night of the soul' on painkillers or blow or whatever it was seemed. i was expecting heroin binges and and meth-fuelled rages, bodily harm and pissing oneself ... though i suppose that sort of cave chic is was only popular from the 60s.

but back to JC and why i love him. it's his voice. i fell in love with his voice as surely as i fell in love with bing's when i was small chicken hanging out with my gran.

well did you evah

that pic is from one of my favourite movies, high society, with ol' blue eyes, grace kelly and satchmo. bing is on the right. wait, here's a better pick:

that scene with him and sinatra is classic. CK Dexter-Haven (Bing) is a well-to-do gentleman-ruffian into jazz and annoying his ex, Tracy, (Kelly) on her wedding weekend. Mike Connor (Sinatra) is one of two reporters (the other being Liz, Celeste Holm, with whom he does the just marvellous 'who wants to be a millionaire') there to cover this stately and swelegant 'event of the year'.

in this scene, Dexter and Connor hang out in the bar getting drunk while the genteel folk dance beatifically outside...



just bril no?

Friday, July 24

nollywood

plums.

deadlines are over and we can all breathe a sign of relief once again. You'll be pleased to know that you can soon read my stuff in MH SA (hurrah!) and that i've landed a gig being a teen agony aunt.

weird but true.

as i promised in the thick of it all, more on one of the articles i was busy with....


Nigeria's film industry pipped the US to the second spot on the Top Movie Producing Countries in the World this year.

The rough numbers are: bollywood with 1 100 movies for 2006, nollywood with 870 movies and hollywood with about 480 or something.

when nigeria's oil industry went bust in the 1980s, money dried up for buying overseas films, and theatres quickly shut their doors. innovative cinematographers made a happy aquaintence with new technology – the handycam. And so was born nollywood.

stories for the people were produced by the gazzilions by the people, in record time frames and on shoestring budgets. no matter ham acting, trippy plots and awful quality, these easy-to-produce-en-masse gems have taken pulp fiction to a whole new level of cool. it's african pop culture bitch, so get a-learning to to get jiggy with it...



nigerian films have largely been shunned by african film festivals for not being 'artsy' enough, which is fair comment really, but another issue is that nollywood film makers film on digital - not on actual film... which is ironic really, considering that hollywood is moving to digital anyway.

then again, i'd hardly consider what comes out of tinseltown 'art'.

but back to nollywood. i organised my first nollywood screening with my mates about a month ago. B organised a list of nigerian recipes and everyone chose a dish to bring to the nollywood-themed potluck.

i had scoured the city stalls for a nigerian vendor that wasn't going to screw me off on disc price. most of the dvds are ripped and shouldn't be more than $1-2... most were trying to sell it for about $5-10...

this pick is actually from a radical esquire article that you can find here

eventually, i had to do the whole, listen mate, just cos i'm white doesn't mean i'm a fucking moron or a tourist or both, so stop fucking with me.

i ended up paying about $3. fair enough.

anyway. we get the gang together, settle down to our peanut stew and sweet potato and prepare ourselves for Slave to Lust.



urk. it was FUNNAY. there is just no other way to describe it. garbled english idioms, weird-ass story and bad, bad acting - not to mention fantastical editing - made for an evening of fun and amusement had by all... except for the part where she gets raped continuously and kept as a slave by her adopted father...

as i said, weird.

oao plums - a good weekend to you all.

Thursday, July 23

liar liar

Mel sent this to me this morning. pretty funny but not.

i might be old news, we know the US gov lied and concocted a whole war... nevertheless, it still amazes me how we let such big lies go without any real consequences for those that tell them...

maybe its because if we do face it we have to also face the fact that we were stupid enough to swallow it

vonchloride has interesting archive of 9/11 and US gov conspiracy shit here. make of it what you will...

and then. (and this is for a little comic relief) a conspiracy theory that i love to nurture, for no other reason than it is fun is...

THE FAKE MOON LANDING

what bub? no stars?

In the early hours of May 16, 1990, after a week spent watching old video footage of man on the Moon, a thought was turning into an obsession in the mind of Ralph Rene.

"How can the flag be fluttering?" the 47 year old American kept asking himself when there's no wind on the atmosphere free Moon? That moment was to be the beginning of an incredible Space odyssey for the self- taught engineer from New Jersey.

He started investigating the Apollo Moon landings, scouring every NASA film, photo and report with a growing sense of wonder, until finally reaching an awesome conclusion: America had never put a man on the Moon. The giant leap for mankind was fake.

this is a supercool site that goes into the whole schpeel - check it out here.

Tuesday, July 21

Beautiful strangers

Are one night stands all that? Sex columnist Dorothy Black wonders why she's not been getting the good stuff...

Let me just say right off the bat that I don't do one night stands. I do very, very short relationships maybe, but not one night stands.

On second thoughts, though, I guess that statement's a little misleading. It's not so much that I don't do them as it is that I'm just not very good at them. So I don't do them any more... Read more...

So the big ONS huh. Spoke to a relatively Someone Muso this weekend about his ample experience with ONSing.

After falling over a couch to get to where he was sitting (ruined any chance of looking supercool with that move) i plopped myself next to him to get some seriously authoritive insight into one night stands - free beer isn't the only advantage enjoyed by a Someone Muso. They generally have ample opportunity to enjoy sex with many nameless women.

The conversation went something like this (we were stupidly drunk btw...actually, no, i was drunk...)

me: so? you're a muso. you must have LOTS of one night stands.
him: i've had a few... but i don't do that anymore ... i have a girlfriend (note: my brain does not pick up on cue for end of, what is for me, the start of a drunken flirt)
me: reeeeaaally? how many?
him: ummmm, about 20
me: jesus. what's the worst one night stand you ever had?
him: well there was this one time where this girl kept passing out. she fell right in the middle of the road on the way to the car. so. that wasn't cool.
me: so why do you do it?
him: it feels cool. i get girls easily. i might not be very pretty, but it's easy.
me: oh dear. you're a jerk. kiss me.
him: umm. no. like i said i have a girlfriend now.
me: oh bother. jerk.

the end.

i have to work on my Picking Guys Up For Meaningless Sex routine...

(ps apart from treating me like a groupie - which i am, like, totally not at all OK - he wasn't really a jerk)

Monday, July 20

postsecret pic of the week

we don't have these in south africa, but they freaked the fuck out of me in taiwan. mostly because you can count down how much of your life ticks away at traffic lights. my bf at the time calculated that for every year of traffic light waiting, we had, like, a whole day of just waiting for cars to cross the road.

Friday, July 17

KEN LEEEEEEE!

oh my christ this is funny. i laughed so hard last night i couldn't breathe.

this chicken, valentina hasan, performs on bulgaria's idol show singing mariah carey's 'without you'. but the catch is, she doesn't know the words so she makes up the closest approximation of the words - hence, KEN LEEEEEEEE!!!

oh hilarity.



then she gets invited back (i can't imagine she actually got through) to perform what is her follow-up, spruced up version...



so much better, you can barely tell mariah from valentina!

mariah carey

Valentina Hasan

Valentina Hasan is so perfectly famous in that ADD way we all love our two-minute noodle stars to be these days. she's right up there with boyle and koekemoer.

Wednesday, July 15

the funny

plums.

it's been difficult to update as regularly as i'd like. my mind is a-brimming with all the lovely things i need to opine about. (hows that for verbalising).

however. i have been muchly busy with getting drunk and finishing off interesting articles (about which i will more later - they have been dreaded and long overdeadline pulling teeth out articles - one on nollywood and film in africa and the other on refugees).

HOWEVER.

i have come across much funniness betwixt deadlines which you must must must go check out.

with fantastic headlines like 'Congress takes over GM and launches its first new car' and 'What conspiracy theory really killed David Carradine?' and my personal LOL moment today, 'Man contemplating suicide, gets a helpful push off bridge.'

real stories, made-up ones and theorising.

precious. go to retardzone.com


brilliant. diabolical. evil genius. rude. insulting. smart. all these words and more spring to mind.

'mike' answers classifieds. the rest is hysteria.

for example:

Original ad:
I am a 17 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!

From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
Hey,

I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm. read on...

go here for more...

oao plums - interestingness up soon.

Friday, July 10

Mugabe the Moron

i LOVE alliteration. like, monkey-brain mugabe, moronic mugabe, monstrous mugabe, maniacle, madhatter mugabe, syphilus-ridden, crazy-mutherfucker, retarded, spawn of Beelzebub Mugabe... oh wait, ok, that last one doesn't fit, but you get my meaning.

you tell 'em how it is bad bob

the king of crazies dropped some gems in his bid to lure investment back to zimbabwe.

"It's not every white farm which will be taken. Not necessarily," Mugabe said in reply to the leader of the predominantly-white Commercial Farmers Union (CFU) at a conference to lure investors.

"The responsibility of compensation rests on the shoulders of the British government and its allies," he said.

"We pay compensation for developments and improvements. That's our obligation and we have honoured that. Above all Zimbabwe upholds the sanctity of property rights.

"Sure there must be some compensation. Let's join hands and appeal to the British."

"The farmers have let themselves down," he said. "They have tended to side with the British."

but i shouldn't berate the esteemed leader of another country when we have our own Moron to laugh at - JULIUS MALEMA!

President Zuma's Mini-Me, Malema is the disgrace president of the ANC Youth League. born in 1981, (making him a whole 13 at the time of independence) malema is still fighting a struggle he never took part in and believes that he and his comrades (from kindergarten days?) must push forward with the revolution and hunt down and kill 'The Counterrevolutionaries'.

This is impressive as i never thought he could manage a word with more than three syllables. He's shot his mouth off more often than not. he is stupid. he says theatrical, retarded things like:

"If anybody threatens our democracy we don’t need anybody’s permission to act. Prosecution of Zuma is political. We are prepared to kill and die for forces of darkness who undermine the black majority or those who are opposed to progress." nice one. great attitude for a 'leader' in a new democracy.

He defended Zuma in the rape case saying that the girl who claimed rape hung around too long after she was "raped" - "Those who had a nice time will wait until the sun comes out, request breakfast and ask for taxi money. In the morning, that lady requested breakfast and taxi money." ergo she wasn't raped.

on the corruption case: “We can’t imagine the courts finding (Zuma) guilty because, if you arrest him, he will lead us from prison. We are not afraid to be led by a president in orange clothes. If you want to save yourselves the embarrassment you must drop the charges, because arresting him will not stop him from being the president.”

go here some of his most precious quotes. what a moron.

and my favourite - the nandos ad, he and 'his organisation' got into such a tiz about.




Thursday, July 9

lets not talk about this

not that i should be surprised i guess.

but instead of running with the column on questioning why we're not talking about getting tested more and what is the deal with managing that conversation, news24 runs instead with that endless 123 step on how you should be managing your sex life.

yes. we know that already. the question is why aren't we.

Wednesday, July 8

A question of trust

Have you been tested? Dorothy Black wonders about popping that big question...
My grandfather was a stodgy old Welsh man. Short and thick-set, his views on the world were as stubborn to change as his body was. He died at the grand age of 96 surrounded by a world that was vastly different to the quiet village of Pontyprith he had grown up in.

And yet, as different as our worlds were, it was my grandfather who, many years ago during a conversation about a boy I had met, gave me one of the most important tenets of sexual exploration that any adult ever had.

"Dot my girl," he said as he gingerly dunked his biscuit into his afternoon tea, "just remember: If it's not on, it's not in." read on...


you know, that whole thing with getting the full monty of tests before so much as even checking if you want the package anyway is hardCORE.

i don't know one person who walks around with an updated printout of their status. and i'm not just talking status about the big A. i'm talking the WHOLE list of STDs.

you know, this isn't really something i could say in the column because there is something to be said for being at least a little responsible about safe sex and what some morons will read in to what you say BUT it has to be said...

STD tests aren't exactly fail-safe. you could meet Mr Man tomorrow, go for a test that comes out daisies, jump into bed with him only to find that the HIV/Aids he contracted last week only shows up in three month's time. Or herpes for that matter. Other STDs are quicker on the uptake, but still.

How can you be certain that tests your possible paramour says he/she has taken are updated frequently and honestly. (I had this test done last week [but have slept with two people since then! Hurrah!])

And while condoms are fine, they break and don't prevent shit like genital warts.

hmm. sexy.

i didn't like writing this column. it made me uncomfortable. but i think that was the point. a lot of the people commenting now are of the kind that go for quarterly blood tests and don't touch a human without full blood works to prove they've fit to fuck.

i know that might be the right way. but i'm not sure i could be as fastidious.

I've been for all my tests, like, last year or something and it was all good. And i don't sleep around or have sex without a condom. but is that enough?



every time i think it is, i remember that scene from kids where ruby (rosario dawson) is going in to get her HIV/Aids test results with her friend jennie (ChloĆ« Sevigny). Jennie is a complete slapper, fucking everything that moves – and without protection. ruby is the good girl. she's slept with one boy and, i can't remember if the condom broke or they didn't use one, but when the tests come back, who do you think has HIV/Aids? dear ruby.

moral of the story? it only has to happen once.

(urgh those images of the warts actually makes me feel like i might never have sex again.)

Monday, July 6

post apocalyptic visions

A chat with c this weekend at greek about abandoned detroit, tent cities and homeopathy led me to some of these cool sites. Who knew our world was dotted with so many lost worlds. It's like looking into the future.

DETROIT
from detroityes

wiki provides a cool (but small) before and after shot of this theatre

to see more of these pics and find out about the collapse of downtown detroit in the late 1980s and 1990s, go here.

ASIA
from weburbanist

The Pod City of San Zhi, Taiwan

The Lawless Kowloon Walled City, Hong Kong

To see more of these pics and check other really freaky lost constructions in Asia, go here.

The one insert there on a theme park in korea reminds me of a park i discovered in my last year in hsinchu, taiwan. It was completely hidden away and desolate and had the greatest collection of weirdass replica statues from across the world. Will try find the pics...anyway, moving along...


Chernobyl: The buildings of Prypiat
by artificial owl


KOLMANSKOP, NAMIBIA
the town that was swallowed by sand

photographer

photographer

there's quite a cool write up on this abandoned 1908 diamond mining town here.

The Lost Highway of Cape Town

photographer

ok so hardly an abandoned wonder, these unfinished flyovers are one of the Mother City's most perplexing landmarks to any newcomer.

construction is believed to have been halted due to bad financial planning and while there are those that have hopes that they will be completed at some point in the future, these eyesores provide the city with exobitant amounts of dosh from film crews. (besides, if they were going to finish them it would've been factored into the 2010 budget)

Wednesday, July 1

cake or death

eddie izzard, that inimitable executive transvestite, does this super 'cake or death' routine in dress to kill.




gosh i love him. anyway. i was thinking about this today when i heard that zimbabwe is selling itself to the highest bidding economic coloniser, china. (do read that china link. speigel rocks hard.)



it seems that the red dragon is extending a $950-million credit line to this broken country. talk about selling your soul.

after fighting so hard for freedom from the white plague and then struggling to death under the dictatorship of a mad man that whittled this once great nation down to nothing, zimbabwe is now setting the stage for another battle for freedom – albeit only in twenty years when the people are fed and healthy and their children educated again and would like the rights to their land/infrastructure/resources back.


it seems like this is some twisted game of risk for the red dragon (though, if you already have asia, what do you do). except that instead of securing australasia as a base, it seems that africa is now the landmass of choice.

luckily for china this continent is so fucked up and the majority of the people so poor that when presented with the offer of cake or death, the choice is easily made.