Friday, January 29

Dear Dot : A moral quandry


Occasionally i get mail from my three regular readers asking me all manner of questions.

I think they do this to make me feel important because most of them are my friends pretending to be strangers and they want me to feel special OR they do it to waste my time and annoy me.

Either way, i am grateful because it makes me feel less alone in the world.

So hence, i shall now answer questions here for all to read. who knows, you might have the same problem.
Dearest Dot,
A moral quandary, raised during a discussion over cocktails:
What are your views on wearing lingerie given to you by a former boyfriend for a new boyfriend?

Dear Curious
Much like other intimacies like chinese balls and nail-clipping, the origins of your lingerie is not something new partners need know about. Unless there's a stain. Or a rip. In which case you shouldn't be wearing it. (Also, patching is a no-no. even on VS. That is your only moral quandry.)
Much hugs,

Wednesday, January 27

Swing City

Would you sleep with your friend's ex? Sharing is caring in sex columnist Dorothy Black's world.

I heard a juicy little nib of gossip the other day. One of Cape Town’s darling restaurants, I was told, turns into a swingers club after 12 on some nights*. Being the investigative journalist that I am, I SMS’d Miss America for textual confirmation. If there was a swinger’s party happening in the city she'd know about it. And, hell, I ought to know about it, dammit. I got this back:

LOL. I’ll find out later. But really Dot, you NEED a swinger’s club? This is CT after all.


so i've written about mr hardman before but had to really mull it over about actually bringing him into the columns. it's ok for me for people to slag me off, but i worry about people slagging him off (as they probably will with biscuits like anne s around).


there you go plums. chat later.

Tuesday, January 26


beatie. i know i missed yesterday's blog post. forgive me. i was so trying to squeeze out a column.
i love you. ps i have a surprise for you soon...

Sunday, January 24

lonely willy

most totally awesome HIV/Aids campaign. NSFW.

Thursday, January 21

dear god

thank you that i survived yesterday.
yours in sobriety,

Wednesday, January 20

wtf wednesday

yesterday sam said, 'let's meet for a quick and dirty at beluga's'

i said 'ok'

it all started innocently enough.

i got there and the sun was shining. i met the delightful brian porter, simon willo and candice turner.

it all seemed soooo, sooo OK. you know?

and then someone said, 'beluga makes a pretty fab cranberry long island ice tea.'

(we did say 'quick and dirty'. how much dirtier can you get?)

so i said 'ok'
there wasn't that much ice in mine

it didn't end good. let me just say i stopped counting at five. and there were shooters. i don't know how many.

i don't know how that happened. osama made me do it.

  • so um, dear waitron, thanks for being so obliging. i hope the ample tip my friends gave you made up for it.
  • fellow patrons, we generally are nice people. we just wanted you to join in the party when we insinuated ourselves on your convos.
  • table that paid for our astronomical bill (long islands sure aint cheap) - i'm not entirely sure why you did, but it might've been to shut me up and get us to leave. (sam thanks you also and says i was awesome. so does jean. i'm going with that.) ((oh and that thing i said about your sex life, you know, like, how to stop being a shitty lay and pleasure your woman, ja...))
  • dear beluga floor, i totally inspected you last night and you're good to go.
  • dear taxi driver, i really am not as cunty about driving- oh wait, i am. sorry anyway.

oao plums.

Monday, January 18

post secret pic of the week


wow. depressing. not sure what more to say about that really. was very little of the secrets i identified with really; so maybe it's telling that i chose this one.

i guess it reminds me of when i realised i could actually sleep with someone without loving them. that we didn't all succumb to the girly stereotype of emotional octopi just looking for a man to suck on to.

i suppose it surprised me that i could, in the words of Miss America, fuck like a man. in the stereotype, men can fuck wildly and without emotional involvement. all the time.

christ. the stupid relationships i wouldn't have had if i'd just realised that sooner.


Friday, January 15

Wednesday, January 13

blood and honey

Blood, guts and more, more, MORE!
When it comes to sex and menses, Dorothy Black thinks you should go with the flow...
I figure myself to be fairly open-minded when it comes to men. I like to think I’m quite accepting of their otherness and strange peculiarities. But there is one thing I judge them on without mercy – how they respond to menstrual blood. Read more...

I've been told that this week's column is a little aggro and judgmental. i'm ok with that.

menstrual anarchy - includes “simple efforts to speak openly about periods, radical affronts to negative attitudes and campaigns for more environmentally friendly sanitary products” - Kira Cochrane. check out the full article from thefword, here and her article in the gaurdian here.

an interesting snippet:

It would be easy to lampoon those who are breaking the menstrual taboo, to accuse them not just of navel-gazing, but of setting their sights quite literally lower. Of all the feminist issues in the world, why this one? And might it not prove an invitation for men to talk about their bodily functions too? (Something surely to be avoided.)

But, as Kauder Nalebuff's book illustrates [My Little Red Book] , this is a subject long mired in shame and confusion – there are girls who know nothing about periods until their first one arrives, and assume it is a sign of impending death. Many grown women still feel embarrassed about buying tampons. When touring her film, Chesler [Giovanna Chesler - Period: The End of Menstruation] says that she met groups of women who had never heard the term "ovulation"; audiences would nonetheless have two-hour conversations about their experiences. And then there are the environmental issues, which are still far from being resolved.

so ja. blood. and the grossness or lovliness thereof. asked cm (and MANY others) if he slept with women when they're on and his response was one of my favourite: Of course. Anything else would be totally gay. If anyone finds menstruation disgusting, I suggest they stop going out with women.


yoni had some cool responses from people about sex and bleeding though some were just downright weird ass. do check it out.

Monday, January 11

post secret pic of the week and dead people

now look, beatrice, i said mondays, wednesdays and fridays; i didn't specify time.

anyway. my pspoftw.

thing is, for the longest time i had this fear that every time i opened a cubicle door in a public restroom i would find a dead person on the floor in a pool of their own blood; wrists slit and hair manky from stale sweat and matted adrenline, alabaster skin drained to blue...

dunno where i got that from.

but i can tell you, google was no help in trying to find any kind of pic that even closely resembled that image. sucks.

i typed in 'dead person toilet' and got this. wtf?


speaking of blood, i'm busy with wednesday's column. also, i'm hiding in my room while Miss K is in the lounge writhing on the couch with a tummy bug. i'd like to think its that and not the baby tatsoi i made for dinner that she just vomited up.

i. said. i. don't. eat. leaves. god.dammit.

it's kinda cool have flat mates again (her current is an italian health nut who insists on talking to me when i'm occupied with matters of monumental importance, like watching the final episode of momma's boys.)

they leave soon for bella italia. oh well. onward with the column. oao plums.

Friday, January 8

facebook FAIL

oh this is toooooo much! click to enlarge.


sparky sent me this wrt my post on avatar and eating buckets of popcorn in movie theaters. fkn funny ass.

Wednesday, January 6

avatar is princess mononoke

i love you james cameron!!!!!!!

was that loud enough? did you get that? i won't pretend i'm too artsy for eye candy.

avatar kicks ass. in 3D at least. who knows how shit the movie is in 2D. besides, who cares. 2D we can do at home.

Neytiri in 3D guys. three-fucking-dee.

look. i can't help it. i like big blockbuster eye candy movies. (i like thinky movies also, but those i can weep to in the comfort of my own home.) when i go to the big screen i want visual stimulation that will tickle my cerebral cortex to the point of sensual apoplexy.

this is why i like cameron, bruckheimer, del toro and jackson on the big screen.

(and, also, i like eating a bucket of popcorn with salt and vinegar sprinkles.)

me watching avatar in three dee. but without the beard.

i walked out of avatar feeling like i'd been on an adventure. a big fuck-off hollywood budget feel-good fantasy roller coaster of WOW. i felt friggin awesome.

which is why i was so disappointed to read a review by shaun de waal in the m&g afterwards poo-pooing it as a formulaic piece of twoddle.

there's no doubt that avatar's story is as old as the hills (which story isn't?), it's just a pity that his points are couched in such a formulaic and utterly predictable reviewer's argument.

blockbuster + CGI + story line no 23 = bad
arthouse/indie + gritty film + story line no 23 = good

maybe he needed to make up the word count and was too lazy and unimaginative to say to something that wasn't typical of his clever profession.

see, here's the thing: the baddies versus goodies OR aggressive westerners versus helpless 'natives' OR relentless capitalism versus socialism pitch IS actually still a relevant story line, however blah its put across (just all the better if its pretty and in THREE-FRIKKIN-DEE).

it's a relevant story because our tiny human minds are still grappling with the concept of ownership and greed and domination. it's a relevant story line because millions of children don't know this yet and have not been jaded by the same plot and characters we've been subjected to.

and really, the children are our future etc etc so isn't it best to wow them with how kak we can be now and hopefully one turns to be an environmental messiah. it has to be emotionally manipulative, see, because that's the only way our ADD generation buys into anything.

anyway. as for old story lines...

i wonder what those that slated avatar for its 'poor' story would say about princess mononoke.

princess mononoke is a ghibli house production; the same guys that brought us the much loved spirited away.

there are many parallels between avatar and princess mononoke.

in avatar the americans use guns to grab land from the na'vi to mine a precious metal
in PM Lady Eboshi and her loyal clan use guns to gain dominance over the forest to mine lead

in avatar the humans (americans) care little for the natural balance of the world they're invading and the tree hugging hippie natives
in PM Lady Eboshi (and basically every adult) cares little for the natural balance of the world she's invading and the gods she's hoping to wipe out

in avatar an outsider, Jake, works as an intermediary and tries to save the forest and its people but first he must gain the trust of the clan and neytiri
in PM an outsider, ashitaka, works as an intermediary and tries to save the forest but first he must gain the trust of princess mononoke, a wild women who lives with the wolf gods

in avatar they must kill the tree to break the Na'vi's strength to gain control of the forest's riches
in PM they must kill the forest god to kill the forest and gain control of its riches

in avatar little white jellyfish-like apparitions are signs of the goddess eywa
in PM little white apparitions are signs of the spirit of the forest

the list could go on... difference is, i'm sure the likes of de waal wold rave about PM simply because its left of hollywood's centre.

anyway. point is, i thought avatar was awesomeness and tire of convos very quickly where people try to be clever about what the movie should or shouldn't have been to be considered good.

in my books, it set out to be a pretty piece of bling with a somewhat relevant story and it did just that. ergo:good movie. see, i stick to the theory that if a movie/song/album/book achieves well what it set out to do, it's a good piece of work. regardless of whether i personally enjoy it. francis bacon? good. of course. do i enjoy his work and want to look at it all the time? no. it makes me feel bad and uncomfortable. (is that what makes it good?)

thinky enough for you?

anyway. sometimes i think we should just get over our cleverness.

Monday, January 4

i'm black. blacker than black in 2010.

a few weeks ago i decided i needed a little break from trying to be relevant. it gets tiresome. i dropped the w24 column for a month, stopped blogging, didn't pick up any other writing and stopped twittering.

i didn't follow other blogs and didn't check news sites, entertainment channels and what other columnists were up to. i didn't pick up a newspaper (except for M&G's last issue of 2009 which was totally cool) or a magazine (at least south african ones because they generally suck. except the YOU book, which is just the bomb).

surprisingly, my world did not come to an end. (although i'm sure my ratings and readership did - i've yet to check the stats.)

with all the spare time i wanked a lot, fucked a lot, read a lot and baked cookies. i also spent an inordinate amount of time on my favourite beach.

god smiled on me.

naturally, with all this time on my hands i spared a few moments for thinking deep, thinky thoughts. i won't bore you with all of them, but i'll list a few that stuck out.
  1. drug dealers just don't trust me. i don't know what it is. doesn't matter who's referred me and what reassurances they've given, they just don't trust me. wtf.
  2. i fucking CHANNEL martha sterwart when i make flapjacks. even b agrees. (check out food24 for the recipe here.)
  3. labushka and i are starting up a new site which is where i'll most probably be migrating to. it'll be a sex site and for the time being we'll call this Project Sex until i think of a smarter stand-in name as i keep you informed about its progress (we have a proper name already, but its just so freaking awesome i don't want to unleash its full awesomeness on the world just yet).
  4. good friends are family. the saddest, loneliest thing i ever heard was from pamela jooste who told me once that she never, ever confused her friends with being family and would never impose such obligations on them.
  5. after having an IUD inserted i can comfortably and confidently say that i am quite suddenly a keen supporter of cesareans and horse tranquilisers.
  6. chris mac and myself will be uploading some totally pointless podcasts for our amusement at some point this year. you might find it amusing also.
  7. mr hardman will be making an entry into the columns. this will be interesting.
  8. i quite like mark twain. anton gave my a copy of pudd'nhead wilson and those extraordinary twins a while back and i only managed to pick it up now. what fun.
anyways. so that's it. blogging will commence, though more regularly with most updates happening mondays, wednesdays and fridays (ya see now beatrice!? look what you go and make me do) and the columns will continue on W24 as per usual but with a bit of a new spin on things.

luckily mr hardman neither reads my column nor my blog, so we get to talk about him and his penis a lot.

over and out plums. i think i'm looking forward to this year.

and johnson? keep up the good work.