Saturday, February 20
it's 12 am sunday morning. the city is suffocating me tonight; this city and its happy summer evening hanging like a bad smell around my apartment.
i can't sleep.
i've been napping on and off since friday night but wake up each time feeling more and more drained. probably because between napping i've been crying. a lot. mr hardman broke up with me last night see.
it's not me, he says, it's him. he loves me but i'm doing his head in and he can't think straight anymore.
so, actually, it is me.
i'm pressuring him; i don't connect with his friends in a manner that is satisfactory to him; he doesn't have time for my incessant demands of communication and spending some one on one time together...
i'm not going to pretend i'm an angel to be with. but i can't help wonder if a month's worth of pot-smoking every night and a possessive friend has anything to do with his sudden change of heart.
it doesn't make the sadness and the disappointment go away. i really, really thought this was different. mostly, i suppose, because i have never fallen in love so hard and so quickly and opened myself so absolutely to someone before.
but as labushka says with love: 'harden the fuck up dot.'
so yeah, i have to suck it up and accept that he's just not that into me anymore.
i'm trying to follow beaverboosh's advice about doing something, anything instead of lying in bed if i can't sleep. 'just get up and work, blog, think or whatever... DO NOT stay in bed, it is soul destroying...'
but all i can write/think/talk about is this. and that feels soul destroying also.
i hate this part right here.