Tuesday, March 16

Dear Dot : Not getting any

so i've mentioned i get these letters sometimes. i'm posting an abbreviated one here cos this is a question i get a LOT.

(i should prolly add that i do send answers back that are a little more serious. but only a little more.)


what made you less inhibited ?
or is it just a persona you put on for the blog, and it's not who you really are ?

because my wife is VERY inhibited, and I'm curious to know if there is something I can do.

One option is to just get my kind of kinky/uninhibited sex somewhere else - it is I suppose the easy
option (If you for one moment ignore STD's), but it is not who I am.

Any ideas ?

not getting any


Dear NGA

i'll put this is point form cos i like points and making things bold and colourful.

(and because you're a dood and too many words might feel like multi-tasking ((*jokes*)) ((though, not actually really, because i've found when mailing men one needs to speak in one liners.)))

idea 1: i'm probably uninhibited because i didn't grow up with jesus sitting on my shoulder
idea 2: the dot black persona is me. it's just not the whole of me.
idea 3 (in subsections):
  1. My uncle always used to say, if you want a woman to act like whore you gotta treat her like a princess. (ok, he wasn't my uncle, but still. sentiment and all...).
  2. if your wife isn't putting out the way you would like her to, it might be because you haven't told her exactly what you want
  3. what a lot of men percieve as inhibition in their women is often just a matter of:
  • bad or no communication : if she doesn't feel like you're connecting emotionally she's not going to open up to you physically
  • bad body image : do you let her know how awesome her body is? if you don't, there's no reason she should trust you with it
  • not feeling like they can trust their partners enough : are you pulling your weight around the house... women who are married and/or have kids and find that their partners are unsupportive will start viewing their men as another child to look after. unless she's freaky that way, no woman likes to let herself go with a boy she's going to have persuade to clean up after himself
  • guilt : i haven't finished reading the god delusion but i'm pretty sure dawkins left out the most important reason we should run away from archiac concepts of a judgmental god : swathes, nay masses, of unhappy, inhibited men and women who are too scared of enjoying their sexuality because mommy told them their vaginas would sponateously combust in affinity with hell and their peens would rot off and become the food of beelzebub.
your peen is mine bitch

so there you have it. if you put out on an emo level she might put out on a sex level.

i might be all for NSA sex, but if you've decided to do the monogomy/marraige/relationship thing you'd be a fool to think life doesn't get involved in the bedroom.

of course, after all of that you might find that she's not into kink at all and you have very different ways of expressing yourself sexually. in which case, you might have to reconsider the relationship. cheating to get your rocks off will just lead to a lot of misery.

oao plums


Shello said...

You'd think that this stuff would be common sense wouldn't you. I bet NGA was hoping for an "on/off" switch and maybe made it a third of the way through your reply before glazing over and wondering about what time dinner would be ready. Having said that, I thought you had some really valid points.

dorothy said...

why thank you shello. lots guys seem to think it's an on/off switch...

actually the thing is that my answer doesn't really deal with the fact that women in the situation could also just be nasty withholders that have manipulation issue.

or actually serious serious physical issues (abuse, depression, tactile defensiveness...)

so you know, if i think someone is being serious about the issue i generally refer them to a professional

Anonymous said...

I'd bet its religion and/or guilt.. People being afraid of their fantasies. It may not all be down to the emotional stuff on his/her side, but the sheer openness to talk about each other fantasies would be a great first step in this case imho..