Thursday, July 15

to bring you my love

and by 'you' i mean 'me'.

my PJ-fest continues. but we've moved on from the angry to the post-epiphantic moment not exactly, but very nearly, expressed by 'to bring you my love', arguably one of harvey's best albums.

so many, many good tracks. difficult to choose. this is one of my most favourite PJ singalong songs, but this is what's playing as i type:

hm. unfortunate lyrics. i mean, i'm totally over the whole mr hardman thing and didn't think of him at all during that song.

uh hum.

so, here's the deal. after much ranting and railing at ye gods (whywhywhydoesthisalwaysfuckingfuckinghappen) my epiphantic moment came to me while taking a lovely, hot bath at about 11 on tuesday morning.

i mentioned the other day 'bushka's they fuck you up book and that it was keeping me company.

they fuck you up. so simple, yet so...simple

well now, i've read lots of psychologicalising books. i could never afford full-time therapy and i didn't like the idea that i'd have to forsake my libido and wine if i was going to do happy pills.

so books, writing writing writing, friends (even some bitch frenemies who say mean things that make sense in a way. kinda), a string of very educational relationships, painting, a thinky kind of nature and this last relationship with mr hardman ... finally brought me to the epiphantic moment...

do you like my handling of the text? it's art. but you can get it.

i realised -- through my gnashing of teeth and general romancing of the moan -- that, *sigh*, i've been making this stupid cycle happen over and over. not Mr Man, not god, not the tooth fairy.


seems so obvious neh?

yeah, well. took me a while. been liaising with @thehuman of themusicsarecoming (check the site out. pretty groovy.) about whether i should post this or not, he says 'ye' to my 'almost nay' so i've taken the middle ground and will post some lines from my epiphanising moirs. mostly cos somaya'llz seem to like it when i get personal, finding it good for a laugh helpful.

or so you say. cheeky rabbits.

cheeky rabbit.

It is said that we all play out our childhood relationships with our parents in our adult relationships in an endless loop until there is a conclusion. Hopefully a happy ending – or another ending at least.

But generally, because we never really face the pattern we’re projecting onto the situation as OUR pattern, we end up following the same dramas and blaming the other for it. We end up becoming our parents but staying children, responding in fits and starts to the other’s emotional pathologies.

i wrote a lot, but here's the gist of it neatly colour-coded and numbered (fuck i swear i do this at the mo just fill time... hate missing people...)

the relationship neurosis of dot black in four parts
(because what else is there to do on a friday night)

childhood drama:
no constancy of relationships; people always left for whatever reason: death, divorce, separation...
don't get too comfortable in relationships because they will end abruptly and out of your control; don't trust that if someone says they love you they actually want to stick around
dult' compensation: be sure to counter weird emotional neediness, otherwise known as 'love', by maintaining emotional distance and being sure to pre-empt the end of the relationship so its on my terms and in my control.

childhood drama: dad wasn't able to make everything perfect and couldn't affect positive change in his life, always seeming to fall victim to the women he married. didn't stop me feeling like shit
lesson: all men are weak
'adult' compensation: maintain 'i am stronger than you' and adopt men who believe this and have their own victim hooks to justify my belief

childhood drama: i grew up as the 'many mothers, motherless child'. the parental figures in my life were particularly dumpy and gave me a pretty warped relationship map.
lesson: being vulnerable and emotionally open elicits scorn, rejection and judgement
'adult' compensation: in the black and white world of a developing human, i made the decision somewhere that being on the receiving end of that sucks, so i'd rather be the one dishing it out.

childhood drama: since everything was so emotionally fraught i learnt to talk my way out of everything and rationalise anything and everything i need to.
'adult' compensation: I’ve made such an art of it that those who I get involved with are generally not able to argue my point. Or are not clear enough on their own opinions because they’ve never had to face issues I present. or they are too easily swayed by me.

either way.

whatever their hooks and personal issues, they are human and, of course, do start feeling crap eventually and on the defensive...

and then? well, they leave naturally. so, at the end, my personal tome of 'she who is left' is once again justified and my demons all too satisfied that i am right right right... when, in fact, well... not so much.

don't let the dark side win. it dresses funny.

whatever the case may be. after years of trying to find that last puzzle piece that would break the pattern, i found it. on tuesday. in the bath. it was me. being a scared kid acting like the bad adult role models i had.*

now... now i feel like... i dunno, like i'm going to be able to love someone, and me, properly. and fully.

i think at least. everything's good in theory and epiphanies all very well in the bathroom. actually living them in relationships is whole other ball game.


so that was quite a lot. if you stuck out all the way. wow. :)

sleep well, dream well plums

(*i had really good role models also. if i hadn't i'd probably be a sociopath by now... but that's story for another day.)


Anonymous said...

It's rather fitting that you had your "Eureka" moment in the bath.
Nice paraphrase of Philip Larkin by the way.

Shelldon said...

People tend to choose mates/partners they think they deserve.

Anonymous said...

Anony 1: Scary thought Sheldon...

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to fuck up my own.

dorothy said...

@kyk - well it was either that, i'm told, or on the loo. though my other EMs were usually while i was out walking

@shelldon - true. i don't do the relationship thing often, but when i do it's usually with pretty cool people...

@anony1 - ahh baby :( man. so funny. i thought about you when read shello's comment earlier.

@dolce - the thought freaks me out entirely

Sparky said...

that PJ Harvey album cover always makes me think of that pre raphaelite painting "death of ophelia"

dorothy said...

@sparky = it's prolly based on that.

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