Friday, November 26

our own private regretsy

so. i'm going to make fun of someone's artwork now, but before i do, let it just be said - a kind of disclaimer really - that i KNOW i have a penchant for shell hangings, but they are NOT the same as this...

that's a lot of abalone shells. i can't figure if i think it's really inventive or desperate... like someone (maybe the disgruntled wife of a perlemoen smuggler) just got fed-up with all the shells lying around and couldn't give ANOTHER ashtray for christmas, so resorted to just gluing the fuckers everywhere.

it belongs on regretsy - where DIY meets WTF. case in point:

yes. you read right. yours for only $2 500. though... if damien hirst did this, he'd sell it at auction in 10 minutes flat for $2.5 million.

value, after all, is all in the name.

Thursday, November 25

Mr Movember Face Update

bitch is trying to convince me that he's not touched his mo. not trimmed it, not scissored it, not nothing'd it.

i don't believe him. i'm seeing NO freaking progress here. what kind of facial hair doesn't grow a noticeable bush in a week? if my vagina can do that then your face should be able to also.

you're so almost fired sparks. let's see how you do next week or YOU'RE VOTED OFF THE ISLAND.

Wednesday, November 24

welcome to the jungle

plums. i've mentioned before that when i get a song in my head sometimes - from nowhere - i think it might be god's way of sending me a message.

this morning god sent me welcome to the jungle by that skanky-ass crowd, guns n roses (though i say 'skany ass' but i liked them WAY better then... what they are now exactly is a mystery).

please. please bath. please.

can't imagine why.

their album, appetite for destruction, and def leppard's hysteria (still love these two albums) are somehow intimately connected to the preteen shock of hormones that had me reeling between sweeping weepy poetry of almost-angst and borderline violent, rebellious lusting after my crushes...

why welcome to the jungle reminds me of this i don't know. i think i found rose vaguely attractive in that wild, jonny-bad kinda way. though i was mildly attracted to just about everything then... our blonde english teacher with the great tits, the boys in church, the sun, the sea...

everything was an almost-manic sense of attraction ... a wild, confusing mess of 'WTF'... we were too young to know how to translate that into an expression or how to fuck or know what that meant. not really.

so what is god trying to tell me with welcome to the jungle?

i think god is trying to tell me to get to tantra.

why fight it?

Tuesday, November 23

my idea of sex

well, not mine really. but i really liked the tumblr site, my idea of sex. in fact, i totally appropriate this as my some of my idea of sex... or something...

i would've put more cock shots in, but my interwebs is down at home (read: cannot afford [refuse to pay] vodafuckyou's 3G rates now that it's the end of the month salticrax) i'm doing this at work and it's 8.30 am and the office is filling up.

cock shots are sometimes more WHOA! than a pretty arse...

you might also be interested in in this delightfully named lass from mud island. her name is @cuntychoppalops. i don't care much for the name, but she writes well, and very often – well, mostly – about crazy sex stuff. check out her site, cunty choppalops font bukkake...

sexpo this weekend... actually looking quite forward to it...

oao plums

Sunday, November 21

postsecret pics of the week

this person would judge me so badly. i still want a 1950s housewife.

i bet it's the ginger. that's why she doesn't want her daughter to know... she doesn't want her kid to know her dad's a carrot-top. this pic saves as 'theworldthinksyoureperfectbutyourdaughterdeservesbetter'.

so it can't be ginger. potter? no one cares about the rest.

and on the back:

and cue my next column...

Friday, November 19

Mr Movember Face Update

last week i introduced to you my Mr Face of Movember: Sparky.

heres the update

filling out a bit neh? hope it grows big and bushy so we can laugh at him. not that i need an excuse (which brings me to the question is ANYONE getting the 'mo' and 'chop' plus arrows double ahn-than-dres? anyone? anyone? bueller?)

oh well. we try. anyway. no matter how much i laugh at sparky, it'll never be as much as i laugh at these guys:

@hestia from melktertontwerp put me on to this FREAKING hysterical site - the beardly. check it out. it's your friday funny. go on. go. go check it out...



Wednesday, November 17

miserable married sex?

When being married means taking the worse with the worse in the sack, Dorothy Black thinks you should stop moaning and get proactive.

Writing about sex in wedlock might seem a topic stretch from someone of my prolonged singular status. Some might even say an exercise in schadenfraude. But I don't take pleasure in other people's misfortunes – at least not very often anyway – and I definitely don't enjoy when I hear that people aren't getting the sex they want or need. Or any sex at all, for that matter. Read more...

chrisis these columns have been like pulling teeth lately. i eventually got this one out after i spent my monday morning therapy session discussing it with Morla (the name by which my therapist shall now be known).

i don't know what she reminds me of morla. she's really quite beautiful and not nearly as old (what with morla being the ancient one and all). maybe it's cos she'll point me to the southern oracle. or something. metaphorically speaking.

anyhoo. to editing...

Tuesday, November 16

Monday, November 15


i have a very small tv. very small.

a little bit of this challenged tv size has to do with the fact that i don't care much for spending money on getting a big tv (or paying for a TV license for shit i don't watch) but mostly it's because i'm lazy and don't really like the mental effort it takes to absorb and digest the piles and piles of BS in the form of ads, bad reruns and parlotones/KFC infomercials.

i prefer my TV for news and reality shows. oh and 30rock.

a 5x5 cm tv suits me just fine for this.


point is, i happened to put the box on for 20 minutes yesterday and there was an insert about ausie muso SIA.

so i thought i'd just say how much i like her.

i like you sia

you might recognise her voice from the stuff she's done with zero 7. this is my favourite track from the first album that i heard, healing is difficult:

i was introduced to this album on a wee ex-pat groupie holiday in kenting. we didn't all like each other but fuckit we had fun anyway -- it was a swimming, scootering, tanning, eating, skinny-dipping booze fest with great music.

we were all rude, loud, obnoxious americans for a few days.

the only pretty beach in the whole of taiwan.
think it was called something inspired, like blue beach or something

so her new one, we are born, is out. though i think the insert was about one of older CDs, some people have real problems. so, kinda news worth knowing two years ago. you go SABC. seriously. go. go away.

anyway. i'm very excited. a new summer soundtrack album? i hope so. she does those super well. yay!

Friday, November 12

keenan (the lip master) cahill

frack. so this 15-year-old dude has Maroteaux-Lamy Syndrome google tells me. which means a lot of things but essentially he stays quite small.

for some time now his thing has been to tape himself lip-synching to famous songs and then post them to youtube.

where, naturally, he's become super super famous. his katy perry vid and 50 cent vids are the most mostest of the lot.

to be honest though, this one below was the one that really cracked me up. dude's so sincere and so really feeling those lyrics. i feel bad laughing at him. it's lynchian in a away.

reminds me of creepy goddess bunny girl in a way. i've never quite figured what's creepier - the fact that she (he) looks that way, is that unhealthy, is dressed that way, tap dancing, taping herself - or that someone else was taping her (him?)...

Thursday, November 11

a very schizo day

christ i hate when i have a bad #thedotspot show.

it's not so cool when 30 seconds into a 2 min show i realise my brain isn't quite up to speed and i don't remember - uh, um.. WORDS! (yes that's it! WORDS!) and that i all i want to actually say the person asking the question is YOU'RE A BIG FAT STINKY uh umm thing that sit's on your neck thi-HEAD. YES! HEAD!

i know it's not a big deal in the greater scheme of everything, but i've got a reputation of being clever-ish and bad-ass to uphold. my millions two fans demand it from me (HI DAD!!). (next therapy session in T minus 3 days, 20 hours...)

it's like a big fat stinky reminder of how lame i feel sometimes -- but on national radio. awesome.

fat. stinky. head.

big words.

and i'm feeling particularly lame today.

i really am generally quite happy. seriously. just when i'm not.

like i'm playing both williams and de niro's part in awakenings.

like the together part of my mind -- as portrayed by dr malcolm sayer (williams) -- really, truly believes that the rest of my mind -- as portrayed by leonard lowe -- can revive itself, come back to life really, from the comatose pit of stupidity (in my case) in which it finds itself.

come on Brain! you can do it!

oh well.

Wednesday, November 10

Dot's Mr Face of Movember

LOOKIT! it's SPARKY. he's the one freak of four that actually reads comments on my blog. he also sends me funnies and gives me cool music and movies.

we like sparky. (he's single and lookin' ladies -- i'd be all over it but his annoying healthy-ness and gentlemanly ways preclude me from falling in love with him...). we like him even more now that he's agreed to be my blog's Face of Movember.

he's going to keep us posted with his mo 'n chop growth.

i'd totally do it, except a) no one would want to actually SEE my face and b) my moustache grows too slowly. it's got a 80-year growth cycle. I'm hoping i'll be kicking my moose when i'm old and swearing at strangers and burping and stealing sweets... oh. wait. i kinda do tha--- oh nevermind...


Movember (the month formerly known as November), the month-long moustache growing charity event held each year to help raise funds and awareness for men’s health is officially in South Africa.

Men from age 15 to 40 years of age need to examine their testicles each month, preferably after a bath or shower, to feel for any pea-sized lumps that could indicate testicular cancer. Men over the age of 50 need to go for simple screening tests each year to check if they might have prostate cancer, which is the most common cancer among men in South Africa and globally. The lifetime risk for men developing prostate cancer in South Africa is one in 23.

boys. get your willies and prostrates and all that shit checked. we like you with your balls healthy and attached. your balls and penis are generally the reason we keep you around.

ha ha. jokes.


Tuesday, November 9

enchanted dolls

i love things that are mini. well. SOME things that are mini. and whenever i look at sculpture i want so desperately for it to move (i hate when you can't touch sculpture pieces) that in my mind's eye, i swear, they come alive. and then, i really really really wish i had a pocket monster (no, don't go the yawn route with that one), like a dragon or a little monkey or a little furry thing of some alien origination that could talk...

but sanity doesn't always allow us to get the things we want.

so, instead, i spend hours pouring over these little beauties, introduced to me by sparky.

click on this to enlarge it. so amazing.

"In all the tattoos, the porcelain is engraved with a needle while still raw,
fired and then china paint
is rubbed into the grooves.
Accents are added in additional layers."

i can't list all my favourites. i love them all. the creator's name is marina bychkova. she makes me want to make dolls. and stare at them long and hard until they come alive.

visit her site - the enchanted doll - to check out her list of dolls for sale, or visit her blog for some interesting background info and pics.


Sunday, November 7

my new girl crush

laura marling. she 20. she's beautiful. her music makes me cry. caro - my trusty music window person (you know those people that are always introducing you to the coolest music) - put me on to the lovely laura.

on friday night sherry and i sang along to rambling man, baking cupcakes, smoking too many cigarettes and drunk on a bottle of coffee patron.

she let me weep a drunken menstrual laughing weep while we howled: LET IT ALWAYS BE KNOWN I WAS WHO I AM!!

Thursday, November 4

dot reviews: the DeLight

it wasn't a big deal or anything...

First impressions
Those of you that have been following this blog or my twitter stream will know that even before i had the DeLight in my hands i held a world of expectation. From the moment dr eve shoved it’s buzzing wonderfulness between my legs at a sexpo at the beginning of last year, I have coveted the DeLight. Did she disappoint? Read on...

What it is
The DeLight is a vibrator brought to us by Fun Factory. Like most sex toys it’s cool to use with your partner, but in my opinion, the shape lends itself better to single person fun.

How it works
Sporting what the FF calls the ‘Royal Curl’, this little gem takes minimal effort to use while you’re lying on your back. Resting your arm on your belly, you hold onto the top part of the curve while the bottom half slips easily and intuitively into your vagina. No weird angles, no uncomfortable stretching.

The bottom tip is bendable but firm enough – and knobbed enough – to do what it’s intended to do – stimulate the g-spot, while the ‘s’ curve fits over your clitoral zone and nicely between your labia, stimulating the entire area.

What it does
This little gadget vibrates like a mofo – 8 speeds, top speed is quite an experience – and then also freaking PULSATES (3 speeds).

What i thought of it
The happy
Sometimes i just want to lie in bed with the DeLight snuggled in my vagina with that lovely curve resting between my legs. Sometimes i do just that. It’s an incredibly ... how do i put it ... gentle toy. It’s got all the oomph of penetration and the sexiness of feel against your clit but with none of the carnival freak show about it that some toys have (What is ‘the rabbit’?).

It’s sexy without being porno and I like that it busts the myth that all good penetrative vibes have to be phallic. In fact, my delight is a ‘she’. (She’s resting on my belly as i type this in bed.)

But looks aside. Did it get me off? Hell yeah. I don’t think you could put this little honey on buzz within a few centimetres of your vagina without feeling the happy. I loved the variety of vibration settings and it was quite a treat getting to the last setting (it’s very fast -- like a little ooh-la-la for your clit). And the pulse setting? Left me lying in my own wet spot.

Ultimately i feel incredibly comfortable with the DeLight. Like i can really relax into exploring my hot spots. The song that comes into my mind when i think about me and my delight? Juuuuust the two of us...

The not happy
The curve itself is maybe a little tighter than i expected so it’s a really good thing that the tip is bendable otherwise there’d be no allowance for different body shapes. Or g-spot placing. The ratio between the clit-stimulating knob and the g-spot curve is also debatable, but as the whole toy vibrates equally well along its entire body this isn’t really a problem – ie your clit won’t be left unattended if you penetrate further.

The speed controls are also a little bothersome. Because your thumb is directly over them as you hold the device it’s easy to accidently press a button you don’t want to press. This can be very unfortunate if you’re on pulse and about 5 nanoseconds from coming and your thumb slips over the little minus button.

It takes some getting used to to easily shifting between speeds and settings, especially while you’re in the moment, but i found that lots of practise cleared that issue right up. oh how i love my homework.

dot was always a studious girl
  1. made from medical-grade silicone and plastic
  2. click n charge (there's a rechargable one that comes in a little case - very sexy, MUCH more expensive)
  3. about R1 100 (though this depends on where and how you buy)
  4. I’m not the only one thinking it’s one of the prettiest vibes around. It’s won the red dot design award 2008, got a silver at the focus open 2009, was nominated for the designpreis 2009 and the IF product design award 2010 (and some other one also...).

i LOVE this little mac-like, eco-friendly click n charge goodie

do i think you should run out and buy it now - yes. or once you've saved up some pennies. it is pretty pricey - BUT it's a keeper, 100% body healthy and will never let you down. And also, dudes don't find it very intimidating. suckers.

Wednesday, November 3

heart, the first

my random hearts page is so lovely for me. i love seeing these little heart things everywhere (though not as often and in profusion as muso leonel bastos -- the guy is unbeatable... ghost of random hearts in the spaghetti sauce splatterings? unreal...)

any. way.

it all started with this heart...

it's in kalk bay. anyone else seen it? know what the story is behind it?

Monday, November 1

postsecret picks of the week

i know we all need them sometimes but i hate when
people have to lie to keep them up and on

i wrote a deep and insightful piece once questioning why
boys spend so much time on the bog

my mom told me once that this is how she feels

these are my current fave radio play songs:
(and you may not judge me for it)

just the way you are - bruno
teenage dream - katy perry
somebody to love - bieber