Saturday, December 25

a very bing christmas to you

i love christmas as it's sung by bing crosby. merry merry one and all. hope the bunny brings you all the christmas cake you can eat.

i want a christmas thusly. i subscribe to the hollywood christmas i'm not embarrassed to say

Thursday, December 23

a dylan moran funny

this makes me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

and because it's the season to be giving, i thought it might make you laugh also. so, here you go...

i what to have babies with dylan moran's humour.

Tuesday, December 21

dear universe

k, so i'll let you in on a little secret. it's a true story so listen closely plums.

i kinda believe in the visualisation thing. you know, where you put a thought out and then magic happens and it comes true. well, kinda. mostly. i think Brain is super smart that way. and force of fucking will.

for real.

this doesn't mean you just have the thought and not do anything. like my dad says, faith is fine and you can have all the faith in the world that a glass of water you're staring at will move from the table to your hand, but until you get up and fetch it fuckall is going to happen.

well, he doesn't say 'fuckall'. i added that for effect. poetic licence etc etc.

anyway. point of the story being: i have a particular way of making dry spells - of the sexual persuasion that is - come to an end.

buy condoms.


i told kaya about it over sushi the other day. kaya is my sushi buddy and we're star-crossed lovers i believe. in the sense that by some weird planetary fluke we're not actually involved/in love/fucking ... whatever the case being, kaya is going through a protracted dry spell. at first it was by choice, but now it's become a weird habit.

one that is very difficult to break no matter how much he wants to. you know those.

so i told him to buy condoms.

sounds simple no? but if you're in the middle of long dry spell you probably have some government-issue willie wellingtons lying around somewhere. this is not sending a positive message to the universe.

when you spend some pennies on some good condoms it's like telling cupid that you're ready for some proper loving : here are the good condoms - now provide the lay of a lifetime. steve from accounts is not going to cut it muthafucka. that's a government issue condom right there and i'm NOT INTERESTED.

so kaya took my advice... lookit:

are you ready for some lovin' kaya? why yes; yes i believe kaya is...

the last time i did this, it took three weeks before i met someone actually wanted to sleep with. it took miss america two weeks. let's see how long it takes kaya.

i should write a fucking book.

Monday, December 20

dot reviews: the We-Vibe

this is kinda the look mr hardman gave me when i presented him with the we-vibe

First impressions
I was literally busting at the gut to try the We-Vibe. After all the hype and hoo-hah about what a revolutionary product this is I was like a kid in a candy store when I met marina to choose my next product for review. I want I want I want I wantitwantiwantiwantiwannaiwanna ah aha ha... was the idea... what i got was, well, interesting.

What it is
The We-Vibe is a rechargable couples vibrator, worn while making the happy.

How it works
The one 'arm' nestles bewteen your labia, stimulating your clitoris, while the other 'arm' slides into your vagina and is pressed against your g-spot by your partner's penis that slides in underneath it, like this:

click to enlarge

The arms flex back quite wide accommodating any shape and allowing the pads to rest snugly over contours. Saying this, i had to push the inner arm quite high before the outside pad rested very neatly between my labia. The surfaces are ridged for extra pleasure etc, but i suspect this might also have something to do with grip.

Despite its diminutive size, the force is strong with this one. The vibe carries well throughout the toy and its ooo factor is high for both parties. It's ok for solo use also -- especially as a dual penetration toy if you pop the narrower end up your bottom -- but it wouldn't be my toy of choice, the flexible bits become too flexible without the help of a cock to position it firmly.

Speaking of, missionary position was pretty cool and it was pretty spectacular for me on top. Though, problem with that is blood flow to the penis and funny angles. Try sitting rather. Spooning is great cos you have a lot of control over manipulating the clitoral pad.

What it does
The We-Vibe has quite a range of modes - including low speed, high speed, throb, wave, pulse, ramp, tease, ascending and cha-cha. The latter is literally a beat to the cha-cha. We loved the pulse and throb settings. The cha-cha? not so much.

What i thought of it
The Happy
Well, the We-Vibe is fun, i'll give it that. The strength of this toy lies in the intimacy of giggles and wiggling and talking about what feels good with your partner. Like all new gadgets and gizmos and weird-ass sex positions we try with our lovers, i think the We-Vibe should be taken with a lot of fun and laughter. I really don't think it should be taken too seriously.

I was concerned about displacement during a whole lot of thrusting, but the vibe keeps its place pretty well. Also, I like the little purple pouch you get with it. And it's very easy to take around with you. Mr Hardman quite liked the buzz, but felt that it interfered with the whole feel of pussy. Also, it'd be very handy if your man is on the smaller side, cos it'll add some pressure in places small peens can't get to.

The not so happy
So this is pretty much where i disagree with the rest of the whole wide world. I wasn't that impressed. If it was a r600 toy, i'd be impressed. for r1400, i expect something better than what ultimately feels like little more than a novelty toy. I mean where do i start...

First off, i don't like the feel of it. It might be medical grade silicone, but it's the one that feels like rubber and i'm not such a fan of that. It feels cheap.

Second, the settings do not work great if you're using lube. Why they didn't think of making this remote controlled is beyond me. The eensy little button is difficult enough to use when it's out of you and dry, let alone when it's squished between gyrating bodies and slippery from wet. You have to stop between a session to change settings and it's all weirdly counter-intuitive and out of the flow. So. something of a fail there for me.

Third, put your music on cos the buzz is quite distracting. At least for us it was. Especially when its on cha-cha. You kinda want to start humming along.

Fourth, the charger is dumb. Although I enjoy how neatly the connection point is hidden, I find it difficult to judge whether the vibe is fully charged - there's no light, no indicator, no nothing. For such a high-profile and pricey product I expect more than a R5 Crazy Store power point.

Fifth, I'm not sure this is something i'd bring to the bedroom on a regular basis. or at least regular enough to justify the expense. I guess what i'm saying is, if you have a couple of hundred to spare for a novelty toy for you and your partner – or you really need something to bring some fun and laughing into the sack – you can't get better than the We-Vibe. But don't go on credit for it. you know. i'm not gushing, is all i'm saying.

HOWEVER. this is just my opine and global sales figures would disagree with me.

  1. Medical grade silicone
  2. Soft, flexible
  3. Rechargeable
  4. Dual Action
  5. 2 motors -- 2 hours
  6. about 1300 to 1400 za ronds depending on where you buy

Sunday, December 19

postsecret pics of the week...

and my new NSFW addition. i told you last week how i was getting a bit ho-hum with postsecret (why oh WHY can't people live more deranged lives... or at least want to spout out about it on a 6x9 postcard??)... so now, i've decided to add my fave sex pic of the week.

so first up - the postsecret pic of the week and then the somewhat Not Suitable For Work pic thereafter...

this is very funny to me


happy monday morning plums!

Friday, December 17

a stab in the dark

so ja, a mate of mine from coal also makes these very awesome corsets (as well as being a fucking hardcore shaitsu person) and some of her product was on display at last night's black orchid burlesque thing at mercury.

this rocks. you know it does. (secret garden corsetry)

the show was fun although a little off on lighting, sound, technical problems and some pretty dismal performances by some of the models who you could see were roped into the game based on friendship alone.

but aside from that it was lovely. i really enjoyed Miss Diva DisaStar, the ballerina and the opera singer - who was particularly fab. clever addition i think.

miss diva.
(though, chicken, unless you're fucking barbara streisand you should NEVER be too busy for a photo. just saying. diva in name only love. in name only.)

ballerina boy (left), opera singer person (right) (she's simulating sex here and with every thrust she's hitting some pretty impressive high notes. made me smile.)

the belly dancers were cool, but i wasn't too sure what the dude and this biscuit on the right were on about. take it off or leave it on, don't bring your shyness to the spotlight

i've never watched a black orchid show before; i've always found their ticket prices a little OTT. this was confirmed by another chick in the WC after the show who was gushing about how much better this r30 show was compared to the r320 show she saw at artscape last year. THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY RAND?! are you fucking kidding me? saying that i think this show was worth more than the r30 cover they charged. where's the middle ground lasses?

this was the opening scene. i quite liked it. though the boobs didn't fill the corset sadly.

there were a lot of very well-dressed peeps here but my phone camera's shit and ran out of power early. i like the pic on the right. it's quite hopperesque don't you think?

i love watching people watch

ah well, that's me for today... will post more about other stuff soonest.

the days are just packed

this is lhasa. i love her. you should love her to. i found her in a music store the size of a table in taiwan. it was when she was still singing in other languages. the cd was so rare in those parts i think it cost me something stupid like the equivalent of small apartment in camps bay.

la llorona - the weeping woman

then, a few years later, caro made me a mix tape and included the above awesome song - anywhere on this road. my fave line is: 'if i can stand up to angels and men, i'll never get swallowed in darkness again.'


it's been a day full of stuff.

earlier i met baba dez and martina, a daka and shaman and a dakini in training. we lay in the sun on the deck of a wood cabin in scarborough -- they naked, me mostly clothed (i was working afterall) -- talking about the nature of sexuality and what it means to become whole.

after, i came home and got properly naked and spent the rest of the late afternoon and early evening in bed with mr hardman. i can still smell him on me. yum hum purrrrr...

nothing wrong with that.

tonight i went to the black cadilac something or another presented by the black orchid crowd. it was... interesting...

i'll more later.

nighty night plums
love and hugs,

Monday, December 13

finally. the big time.

be still my beating heart. kyknoord's listed moi for a bronze award on his list of 'not totally kak blogs'. fuck you.

Sunday, December 12

post reject of the week

i hate to say it but this week's postsecret is LAAAAMMME. where's the murder, the torture, the lurid fantasies, the cheating, the cruelty, the regret, the unrequited love??

so i go to postrejects to get a small kick there and... NOTHING. dude's closing the site down cos he can't think of anything lame anymore and can't compete with postsecret for that.

nevertheless, i've never posted from postrejects, so here're some i really like.

last night i dreamt @jeanbarker and i met ryan seacrest (i heart him just by the way) and she told him that i came from bellville and i was like, what the fuck man, why'd you go and tell him THAT now.

when i woke up i realised i still kind of cringe at it in real life also.

when i was in school we had no fokof and jack parow and die antwoord. bellville was zef and zef was not fucking cool. so i still have a moment when someone asks me where did you grow up where i footnote the answer 'bellville' with 'but on the right side of the N1 ha ha ha ha'.

fuck that shit. i'm over it.

and just FYI.


Saturday, December 11

fly me to the moon

it's been a while since i spent an evening with molly. it was lovely. it was the chefs' 10-year anniversary of cupcakes, cocktails and, well, cocktails.

slightly headachy and somewhat dry mouthed i am now dedicated to doing nothing, drinking lots of water and sleeping. or blogging while mr hardman plays resistance. this is what morning/afternoon/evening afters are made of.

i did tell you we were sleeping together again, right? yes, well. it's fun. there are some things that can't replace great chemistry, for everything else there's therapy.

urgh. speaking of. my body is now DONE with partying. back to yoga-ising and eating properly and being a Good Person to my body.

oao plums, this puppy needs some more sleep.

Friday, December 10

the tantra chair

as i mentioned in the post the great sexpo snore i have a new crush - the tantra chair. here are some pictures to illustrate why... come drool with me...

i don't know so much about tantra, but i just keep thinking, fuck those are some awesome back bends (yoga AND sexercise) and how COMFY.

i want.

love & hugs

Thursday, December 9

forced sex fantasies

Sex columnist Dorothy Black takes a look at the darker side of our erotic minds

‘I’ve been encouraged to walk along a secluded path late at night, alone. I could hear his footsteps behind me and could feel my adrenalin flurry. I hate being chased. When you feel the arm wrap around your chest dragging you backwards, you are not 100% sure that it is definitely your partner. You look for any sign, smell, voice or glimpse, but you get nothing. I was knocked to the floor, face down and felt slightly winded. I could feel my eyes filling with tears as I still wasn’t sure who was doing this to me but the overwhelming tingles between my legs increase with intensity with each twist and turn.’

Cuntychopalops is the writer of this candid piece about that subject verboten everywhere outside of Germany – the rape fantasy, or what is more politely referred to as ‘ravishment’. Read more...

struggled with this one - not very light topic, had to keep it short and as un-porn or provocative as possible...

LOVE susie bright's take on ravishment - check out her piece here: so AWESOME

anyway. such a touchy subject in SA... oh well. to the back pages of women24 this goes...

Tuesday, December 7


i have said yes to too many things! there is no time!! send for help!!! make it so!!!! to infinity and the bedroom!!!!!

i googled 'frantic' to see which image of franticness it would produce for me to present to you as a portrait of my 'i am slightly frayed' feeling in my gut.

it gave me this:

and then a weird, virtual random heart. this is krishna's way of telling me that all will be well. hurrah.
all i really want to do is get the freaking we-vibe review out - used it twice now, but arranging a penis at times suitable to oneself is sometimes a bother. and now i have my period.

oao plums
love and hugs

Monday, December 6

postsecret pic of the week

i like this one. it reminds me of @samwilson1 's blog page background. vodka, lighters, milk, ice cream. priorities, people...

sometimes what i like about the postsecret postcards is that when you save the pic the name of the pic includes little embedded secrets, like more info about the card or web links. like the one above, had a link to . they collect found stuff like love letters, birthday cards, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins ... anything really ...

but of course. a duck stuck inside a front bumper. happens all the time

Sunday, December 5

the great sexpo snore

so. among the many many many reasons i need more time is that if i don't blog shit immediately it drops down on the list of priorities. and no matter how cool the stuff i want to blog about, it falls somewhere way below napping, eating and drinking wine.

so. finally. forthwith and to whit... my great sexpo expedition...



*crick crick*

ok. it wasn't that bad. it just wasn't any different to the last expo. they didn't up their game, there wasn't anything hey-shoo-wow... in fact, if anything, the exhibitions were even more yawn and generic than previous years.

which is probably due to the fact that
Adult World now owns the sexpo. a significant number of stands were actually adult world owned. talk about monopolising and homogenising the show. boo. can't say i expect much better next year.

insiders also tell me that AW only took over the show four weeks (or months? can't remember which) before and didn't have the time to organise properly - or advertise properly. hear any protests from our religious zealots? nope? neither did i. no protests cos there was nothing to protest. again. yawn.

and i hope lack of time and organisational prowess were the reasons that there were NO FREAKING CONDOMS ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND. a sexpo without copious free condoms? are you fucking kidding me? very disappointing sexpo. half the reason i go to your show is to stock up on free condoms for the year.

anyway. forthwith and to whit etc etc... my picture show of the 'show'...

fresh from kinx -- an elephantine dildo. their stall is always cool. i'd really like them to put on some proper BDSM shows next time...

you know. i love watching the fucking idiots who get excited about having their portrait painted by a dick. they're all nervous giggling messes in the beginning but the hysteria of being the centre of attention lasts all of five minutes before the realisation sets in that they'll be sitting there for what will feel like an hour. as each second ticks by you see the novelty of it all drain from their faces until, by the time they get to see the squirrel-smeared glob mess of paint they call an 'artist's portrait', they're grey with boredom from having to maintain interest. get a fucking day job prick man.

pure class. i tried convincing mr hardman to shove his finger into the butt hole for effect, but he politely recoiled with disgust. the baby person vagina thing is a return toy (probably the same stinky sample from last year) but for some reason less people found it amusing and more people associated it with fucking, well, a baby. can't say i disagree. weird.

oh alain the naughty hypnotist. i'm not sure who's more fucked up. sexpo for hosting your sorry arse AGAIN or you for thinking you're anything but a laughable poser. of the 20 people up there, 12 weren't close to being hypnotised, 2 were OBVIOUS placements, only 4 were at least genuinely confused and MAYBE 2 were ACTUALLY hypnotised.
at least he got me closer to an actual snore.

(on the right) an example of the usual acres and acres of rubbish porn supplied by adult world. i asked the mildly bewildered and totally uneducated AW stall salesperson if they stocked any fetish vids - any scat, showers?... - his wide eyes went even wider and he stuttered something about it being illegal and pointed me in the direction of 'buttman's big butt backdoor babes'. um. right.
(on the left) the only fetish vid at the WHOLE of the sexpo available only because a famous gay porn star (dunno which one) was here to promote his video.

the symbol of what the sexpo is essentially about -- dick. don't fool yourself. it's male-centric and about pleasing the almighty cock.
that is all.

i want.

chrissis. this seriously got my giddy. how to get people not to take your product seriously. bling bling lelo stands with black glass and twinkly lights and sales people who talk as flat as parow, look like the tannies in my dad's church and have as much sensitivity in explaining their product as i'd imagine one would have explaining bovine artificial insemination. though... maybe lelo thought this angle was better for their target market at sexpo.

dear SA tantra guy. great video, but some ideas: less bush, better lighting and stop being such a first-class arsehole and people might actually want to hear you talk. fucking douchebag.

do you remember how i felt about meeting the delight at the last sexpo? i got that same feel with the 'tantra chair'. it will be mine. i know i'm onto something good when i get wet just thinking about it.

the absolute MOST fun i had at sexpo this year, and real kudos to them for including this, was the 'ladies lounge'. the pop-up strip joint with bored dancers 'for the boys' next door had NOTHING on the energy in this room. i'm really impressed with pulse and the guys were great. sparky bought me lap dance with gabriel (above). this piece of man flesh is seriously hot with one very, very fine cock.

and then this SA porn starlett. very sweet, very soft, very drunk, probable meth-head. she took a liking to me and insisted we have many photos taken together. her boss/director/pimp was a real a-hole. the whole set-up made me feel sad.

there's more. but the beach is calling and i'm tired of reliving old memories, no matter how fond. anyway. for next year, I'd like to see some demonstrations, a live sex show and MORE FREAKING CONDOMS. christ. let's kick this up a notch.