Tuesday, December 21

dear universe

k, so i'll let you in on a little secret. it's a true story so listen closely plums.

i kinda believe in the visualisation thing. you know, where you put a thought out and then magic happens and it comes true. well, kinda. mostly. i think Brain is super smart that way. and force of fucking will.

for real.

this doesn't mean you just have the thought and not do anything. like my dad says, faith is fine and you can have all the faith in the world that a glass of water you're staring at will move from the table to your hand, but until you get up and fetch it fuckall is going to happen.

well, he doesn't say 'fuckall'. i added that for effect. poetic licence etc etc.

anyway. point of the story being: i have a particular way of making dry spells - of the sexual persuasion that is - come to an end.

buy condoms.


i told kaya about it over sushi the other day. kaya is my sushi buddy and we're star-crossed lovers i believe. in the sense that by some weird planetary fluke we're not actually involved/in love/fucking ... whatever the case being, kaya is going through a protracted dry spell. at first it was by choice, but now it's become a weird habit.

one that is very difficult to break no matter how much he wants to. you know those.

so i told him to buy condoms.

sounds simple no? but if you're in the middle of long dry spell you probably have some government-issue willie wellingtons lying around somewhere. this is not sending a positive message to the universe.

when you spend some pennies on some good condoms it's like telling cupid that you're ready for some proper loving : here are the good condoms - now provide the lay of a lifetime. steve from accounts is not going to cut it muthafucka. that's a government issue condom right there and i'm NOT INTERESTED.

so kaya took my advice... lookit:

are you ready for some lovin' kaya? why yes; yes i believe kaya is...

the last time i did this, it took three weeks before i met someone actually wanted to sleep with. it took miss america two weeks. let's see how long it takes kaya.

i should write a fucking book.


Sparky said...

I tried buying condoms!
fucking sexpo...*grumbles*

want to get those new durex skin feeley ones...

Anonymous said...

Does this only work with sex, or will buying condoms get my car washed?
Incidentally, would your "fucking book" be a how-to manual, or erotic fiction?

dorothy said...

'TRY' is not good enough sparks. the universe will 'TRY' and fix you up also... seeing what i'm saying. it has to be a world of YES

condoms = sex
chamois = car wash

(i like what you did there with 'fucking book'. so funny. so unique.)

Anonymous said...

I have decided to shake my head, secretly giggle and then shut the f up. Life is great. One advantage to being married - don't need to buy condoms to get some. It's available on tap. I need a vacation. YES. Take Leave = Vacation. Presto - it works!

Sparky said...

I'm holding out for those new condoms I showed you in the pamphlet.

nothing but the best for my porksaber...

ok, ok...porkdagger.

Kaya said...

IT WORKS! 13 days, did I win? Thank you. Oh! Great one. Now we shall manifest.......