Sunday, December 5

the great sexpo snore

so. among the many many many reasons i need more time is that if i don't blog shit immediately it drops down on the list of priorities. and no matter how cool the stuff i want to blog about, it falls somewhere way below napping, eating and drinking wine.

so. finally. forthwith and to whit... my great sexpo expedition...



*crick crick*

ok. it wasn't that bad. it just wasn't any different to the last expo. they didn't up their game, there wasn't anything hey-shoo-wow... in fact, if anything, the exhibitions were even more yawn and generic than previous years.

which is probably due to the fact that
Adult World now owns the sexpo. a significant number of stands were actually adult world owned. talk about monopolising and homogenising the show. boo. can't say i expect much better next year.

insiders also tell me that AW only took over the show four weeks (or months? can't remember which) before and didn't have the time to organise properly - or advertise properly. hear any protests from our religious zealots? nope? neither did i. no protests cos there was nothing to protest. again. yawn.

and i hope lack of time and organisational prowess were the reasons that there were NO FREAKING CONDOMS ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND. a sexpo without copious free condoms? are you fucking kidding me? very disappointing sexpo. half the reason i go to your show is to stock up on free condoms for the year.

anyway. forthwith and to whit etc etc... my picture show of the 'show'...

fresh from kinx -- an elephantine dildo. their stall is always cool. i'd really like them to put on some proper BDSM shows next time...

you know. i love watching the fucking idiots who get excited about having their portrait painted by a dick. they're all nervous giggling messes in the beginning but the hysteria of being the centre of attention lasts all of five minutes before the realisation sets in that they'll be sitting there for what will feel like an hour. as each second ticks by you see the novelty of it all drain from their faces until, by the time they get to see the squirrel-smeared glob mess of paint they call an 'artist's portrait', they're grey with boredom from having to maintain interest. get a fucking day job prick man.

pure class. i tried convincing mr hardman to shove his finger into the butt hole for effect, but he politely recoiled with disgust. the baby person vagina thing is a return toy (probably the same stinky sample from last year) but for some reason less people found it amusing and more people associated it with fucking, well, a baby. can't say i disagree. weird.

oh alain the naughty hypnotist. i'm not sure who's more fucked up. sexpo for hosting your sorry arse AGAIN or you for thinking you're anything but a laughable poser. of the 20 people up there, 12 weren't close to being hypnotised, 2 were OBVIOUS placements, only 4 were at least genuinely confused and MAYBE 2 were ACTUALLY hypnotised.
at least he got me closer to an actual snore.

(on the right) an example of the usual acres and acres of rubbish porn supplied by adult world. i asked the mildly bewildered and totally uneducated AW stall salesperson if they stocked any fetish vids - any scat, showers?... - his wide eyes went even wider and he stuttered something about it being illegal and pointed me in the direction of 'buttman's big butt backdoor babes'. um. right.
(on the left) the only fetish vid at the WHOLE of the sexpo available only because a famous gay porn star (dunno which one) was here to promote his video.

the symbol of what the sexpo is essentially about -- dick. don't fool yourself. it's male-centric and about pleasing the almighty cock.
that is all.

i want.

chrissis. this seriously got my giddy. how to get people not to take your product seriously. bling bling lelo stands with black glass and twinkly lights and sales people who talk as flat as parow, look like the tannies in my dad's church and have as much sensitivity in explaining their product as i'd imagine one would have explaining bovine artificial insemination. though... maybe lelo thought this angle was better for their target market at sexpo.

dear SA tantra guy. great video, but some ideas: less bush, better lighting and stop being such a first-class arsehole and people might actually want to hear you talk. fucking douchebag.

do you remember how i felt about meeting the delight at the last sexpo? i got that same feel with the 'tantra chair'. it will be mine. i know i'm onto something good when i get wet just thinking about it.

the absolute MOST fun i had at sexpo this year, and real kudos to them for including this, was the 'ladies lounge'. the pop-up strip joint with bored dancers 'for the boys' next door had NOTHING on the energy in this room. i'm really impressed with pulse and the guys were great. sparky bought me lap dance with gabriel (above). this piece of man flesh is seriously hot with one very, very fine cock.

and then this SA porn starlett. very sweet, very soft, very drunk, probable meth-head. she took a liking to me and insisted we have many photos taken together. her boss/director/pimp was a real a-hole. the whole set-up made me feel sad.

there's more. but the beach is calling and i'm tired of reliving old memories, no matter how fond. anyway. for next year, I'd like to see some demonstrations, a live sex show and MORE FREAKING CONDOMS. christ. let's kick this up a notch.


Anonymous said...

Fun fact: most municipal buildings stock tiny disposable wellington boots that also work as condoms if you're really in a bind.

Sparky said...

the condom thing really pissed me off. but the company I had was splendid, and that alone made up for the crap effort by the organisers this year.

dorothy said...

KN - i use those government issue free condoms for my sex toys

Sparky - this is a fact :) i should've mentioned that actually... and the fact that miss america was practically beside herself with enjoyment

Sparky said...

yes, but that one dancer should be afraid. very afraid.

Jean said...

Hilarous, Dot. I know, this whole thing needs to really grow up. And it's sad that Adult World now owns it.

EroticSA said...

Jeees that Elephant dick is hectic! LOL!

Thanks for the great write up.